HOOOOO BOY did we cop a doozy of a Love Island Australia episode last night! Tears from Matt! Maybe fake ones! The shock dumping of the self-proclaimed queen of the villa, Vanessa! Hot new couple Cynthia and Gerard!

It’s what we’ve been waiting for and the reason I love this show so deeply – nothing is certain, no couple is safe, and if you start smuntily going around saying you’re Queen of the villa you best believe you’re going to be booted within a week.

Let’s recap because there’s a LOT to unpack.

We come back to the islanders as they wake up, lots of kissing and so on. Lol don’t get too HAPPY you guys! Shit’s about to go down! Gerard is roasting Josh and Anna for the kissing sounds they were making through the night.

very accurate visual of how people kiss

TBF they do sound DISGUSTING. We are treated to like a full minute of their kissing sounds – Josh says it’s because they both have big lips but also producers, please do not with the saliva ASMR.

Cassie’s suss on Luke – she tells Vanessa that before they coupled-up he was super nice to her and now he’s… not. I spy about 40 red flags, beb.

Luke then tells the camera he feels Cassie’s emotionally cut off, but idk about this guy – ever since Vanessa told PTV she reckons the twins are stirring the pot I feel like they’re both untrustworthy. That being said, I also don’t trust Cassie so…

Except then he tells Gerard it’s because she’s not “progressing the relationship”. Ok this now just sounds like you are pissed she’s not giving you a wristie in bed tbh.

ohhhhh cassieeeee, why won’t you fuck meeee

He picks a fight with her and she says sometimes she’s a slow burn. Fair enough! Adam and Cartier are slow-burning and going great guns.

Meanwhile, Vanessa takes Anna aside for a chat, warning her that Josh is maybe dodgy and she should be careful. She points out that Josh cheated on his ex, but Anna feels that his honesty around it means he’s changed. Whatever the case, Anna immediately lopes over to Josh to dob on Vanessa. IDK guys I know a lot of people think Vanessa sucks, but IMO Anna has a track record now of having private convos and then tattling about them to the person in question, which always stirs up drama.

Josh is understandably pissed, and confronts Vanessa, saying there’s been a lot of shit-talk and it’s all coming from her. She is SHOCKED, you guys.

Omg I can’t believe you are saying I have been talking shit, here let me talk some more shit

It gets even better – Vanessa then goes on the warpath, searching for Anna who is self-tanning in the toot. She’s all “I’m never telling you anything again, Josh just grilled me” and Anna’s like “…ok” and then Vanessa’s like “I didn’t say anything bad about Josh and I am not helping you anymore” and Anna’s all “excuse me you pulled me for a chat I didn’t even ask”. OOOOFT.

“Also nice move making me have this convo with an orange face”

Vanessa wanders over to her partner Matt and ~da boiz~, who start BULLYING HER TO HER FACE, calling her a witch doctor. Honestly beb this is the strongest sign to GTFO. Say what you want about this woman, those guys are dicks and ganging up on someone is never cool, even if they’re an asshole.

how about you shut the fuck up with this bro energy you twats

Then everyone plays that fireman escape game, and nothing of note happens besides Gerard tongue-pashing Jessie and Eoghan is like, yeah bro get it. G R O S S.

Cynthia tells Jessie the reason Gerard went all-in is because he likes her, which she loves.

omgggg excellent back up plan

Someone gets a text – the votes are in and Sophie’s coming in to wreak havoc. Vanessa feels this is a great time to absolutely torch her relationship with Matt by saying his “true colours” are showing and she’s done with them. They make up but it’s all very tenuous.

thanks for nothing beb

To be fair she has a LOT of points – he hasn’t been backing her up, he’s been letting the boys talk shit about her constantly. Like dude, if you’re dating her you should be standing up for her or getting out, end of story.

Sophie then emerges from her far better, more sumptuous villa to tell everyone that the public has voted, and the bottom 3 couples are… Jessie and Eoghan, Vanessa and Matt, Cynthia and Maurice. Eoghan and Jessie in particular are SHOCKED bc they think they’re hot shit and hahahahahahahha you are not, you “Big Dog”.

How DARE you downvote Big Dog

Then poor Gerard also has to get up because he’s not in a couple. Rude. Sophie tells everyone else they have to vote out one girl and one boy. They don’t have to be a couple – WILD.

The guys voting are Adam and the twins, so they immediately, unanimously decide Vanessa’s going. The girls – Cartier, Anna and Cassie – have a tougher time deciding, eventually going for Maurice.

Sophie gets them to deliver the news, and Matt breaks down COMPLETELY, which is nice – like I am all for dudes showing emotions, no shame in that, but it’s very OTT and dramatic. You can’t help but feel it’s a bit of an act, and Sophie legit tells him to sit down when he throws himself onto Vanessa.

Absolutely PRICELESS areas from Sophie here

Then – oh my god guys – so basically because Cynthia is single, she chooses to couple up with a new boy. She chooses Gerard, which means Matt’s left single. He thinks this means he’s going home, but when Sophie tells him he’s actually staying he has a COMPLETE 180 EMOTIONALLY and starts fucking laughinggggg fuck me up, it is brutal on Vanessa.

Oh I’m not going home? YIEWWW BIG DOGS FOREVER

Later he says he was on an emotional rollercoaster but I’M NOT BUYING IT FOLKS, this guy seems snakey as fuck. Later, Vanessa tells the girls his tears are fake and I hundo agree. They have a pretty emotional goodbye though anyway.

idk guys I got a bit emotional

Oh well! Moving on! There’s 5 babes coming in tonight, which will no doubt stir shit up and reveal the true snakes – my money’s on Adam dumping Cartier like she’s a mouldy sandwich.

Come listen to my podcast BTW, All Aussie Mystery Hour. DO IT.