I just saw the 2020 Greta Gerwig directed Little Women film on the weekend, and while it was pretty great (IMO it had nothing on the 1994 version, but was beautifully filmed and had some 10/10 acting) the only takeaway I had was this – Amy March is, forever, the fucking worst.
[jwplayer U3sxjxcg]
I had forgotten this fact. Thing is, I don’t exactly think about Little Women on a daily basis. So I’d entirely forgotten about how fundamentally awful Amy March was in the books. But my GOD, does she suck. She is the worst! THE WORST! If she was my sister I would have run away from my family forever, unless I could convince them to exile her instead!
I know it’s not a controversial take – I’m sure you’re here because you too think Amy sucks. Or maybe you don’t! In which case you are wrong! Here’s why.
1. Who The Fuck Burns Someones NOVEL
Look, I know Amy is meant to be a petulant child when she incinerates Jo‘s long, hand-written (!!!! Imagine the RSI!!!) novel, but come on. I usually give kids a pass for being little cunts but there’s throwing all your Barbie dolls onto the next door neighbours roof (I see you, Kate Mason) and then there’s true demonic behaviour.
Back story, in case you’ve forgotten/blacked it out – Amy was pissy because Jo and Meg got to go to the theatre with Laurie. She wants to go too and Jo is kind of bitchy about it with her. So she had a right to be pissed off, sure. But burn-your-sisters-novel pissed? NO. That is the kind of thought that only Satan’s child would have.
I still can’t believe Jo ended up forgiving her, like Amy wasn’t even actually REMORSEFUL, she just didn’t like the fact all her sisters and own mother were like “too far, beb”.
Sorry but I would have just let her drown in the ice pond. Bye, bitch.
2. PARIS.
Okay, so Jo takes the eternally shit job of reading for hours to Bitchy Aunt March, spending all these afternoons slowly dying inside while also absorbing the evil energy of that horrid woman. Why? Because one day, as Aunt March says, the old crony will go to Paris and take Jo with her as a companion.
Except when Beth gets scarlet fever and the family ship Amy off to Aunt March’s place to protect her, Amy – albeit unintentionally – becomes Aunt March’s new favourite grandchild.
So Aunt March is all, ok Amy you are now the one coming to Paris. This is kind of not Amy’s fault – she didn’t weasel in on purpose to snake the trip off Jo, but Christ she could have chosen a better way to break it to her sister – like maybe don’t drop “I get to go to Paris” on Jo when she’s just had to reject Laurie, her best friend? When she says “I need to get out of here”? NOT THE TIME, AMY. YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE BECAUSE YOU ARE A POISON HUMAN.
3. The Ultimate Sin
I do not care that Jo rejected Laurie because she didn’t love him as a romantic partner, she loved him as a best friend. She was what, early 20s MAXIMUM at the time, and had NFI about anything. She hadn’t experienced the world – who knew if she would realise once she went to New York for a bit that she actually did romantically love the guy?
You never, ever, no excuses, date anyone who had any romantic involvement with your SISTER. I don’t even give a shit if they never kissed! It’s fucking weird! Laurie spends his entire YOUTH in love with Jo, and then she rejects him but is clearly cut up about it and unsure if it was the right decision, so Amy’s like “yep this is fine, Jo will be totally cool with this”.
Like sorry you were a tiny child when Laurie fell in love with Jo, but them’s the breaks. Also sorry Freddy Vaughan is tiresome and boring but you are also tiresome and boring as an adult, Amy, so THAT was your perfect match.
And the biggest WTF to me is this – HOW could you just be like “oh yes, he definitely loves ME and isn’t just settling for the only March sister who is alive and also not married”.
I know some people like to argue that Amy was a better match for Laurie because she was more suited to being a ~lady of the manor~ than Jo, and I respect the reason why Jo didn’t want to settle down with Laurie. It’s not that I think Jo and Laurie would have ended up together, it’s that Amy should have just been like – you know what, me marrying Laurie is fucking weird and that is just how it is.
4. The Ultimate Sin, Part Two
Okay, so LET’S just say we’re accepting Amy and Laurie getting together. Let’s pretend it’s fine that she made it fucking weird for her sister, who was still – as far as Amy knew – unsure about Laurie, her childhood best friend and soulmate.
WHY. DID YOU. GET SECRETLY MARRIED. BEFORE TELLING JO ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
A friend of mine argued that given the time period, they would have to have gotten hitched before making the long journey from France to America for Beth’s funeral. Okay, but why GET ENGAGED IN THE FIRST PLACE BEFORE TALKING TO JO, HUH?
Amy didn’t have to say yes to Laurie in Paris. She could have been like “okay, I love you and want this but I love my sister more, I want to talk to her before we shock her with our nuptials ok”. Laurie is no saint in all of this, but we aren’t discussing the weaknesses of Theodore Lawrence right now ok (that is for another ranty story), this is about Amy.
I’m sorry but if my sister rocked up to a family do and was like “hey, I married your first boyfriend while I was overseas, you ok about it?” I’d scream in her face, set fire to her favourite clothes and then never speak to her again. How RUDE – not only did Amy commit the ultimate sin of hooking up with her sister’s semi-ex, but instead of giving Jo the decency of a slow adjustment, she just shoves a diamond ring in her face and is like HAHA WE HAVE FUCKED!
A less demony way Amy could have gone about it would have been to hold off on an engagement, headed back with Laurie and then chatted alone to Jo. At least that would have been more considerate to her sister’s feelings.
TO SUMMARISE, because yes this is a year 10 essay, Amy sucks. The end.
