Summer’s like that acquaintance who seems like a good shout until you spend too much time with them and realise they’re just a right pain the ass.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love the warmer weather, but when it cracks 35 degrees (Celcius, get outta my face with your Fahrenheit bullshite), it’s just the worst. It’s quite literally hell on earth.
Thankfully, there are a tonne of ways to avoid bursting into flames, so please follow my super chill how-to guide to keeping cool during the increasingly warm season.
Day-bevving on a boat
This is a no-brainer if I’ve ever seen one.
When it’s 20 million degrees outside, it’s human instinct to flock to anywhere that has water. The beach, a lake or the maternity ward of a hospital are all great options (aside from the broken baby water suggestion I suppose).
So, you may as well dodge the heat by sinking some bevs on a fancy-ass boat. The Charter’s Raft Up event also has pumping tunes alongside bottles of champers and food platters, and I mean, who doesn’t love getting tipsy on a boat? Psychopaths and my cousin, probably. I’m not gonna say which cousin though because he is a deadset psychopath who may shank me.
Just make sure you clear your schedule and get to Sydney by October 20 – that’s when the shenanigans kick off.
Water bombing randos
Okay, I checked with my cop friend and have thankfully discovered that throwing water bombs at strangers rarely counts as assault.
There’s nothing more satisfying than pegging a big ol’ water bomb square at someone’s ugly mug, drenching them with water that may or may not be spiked with a touch of urine.
If you want to get the most of your water bombing, I suggest tracking down that one guy in high school who made fun of your super cool, super hip fanny pack that was totally ahead of its time and not even a little bit fuggo.
To avoid a lawsuit though, perhaps stick to people you know.
Breaking and entering
The same cop friend also informed me that breaking and entering is definitely illegal and you may or may not get stoned to death.
But, the good news is that there’s a grey area when it comes to sneaking into your parents’ or mates’ house to use their pool. Maybe just make sure they’re okay with it and know you’re coming beforehand to avoid the whole death penalty sitch.
Better safe than dead, you know?
Ahh, my favourite pastime – staring at absolute thotties on the beach in a non-creepy way.
There are definitely some rules to this one, because you don’t wanna be that guy/gal who people start avoiding because you’re being an absolute perv.
In saying that, there’s no harm in chucking a fine, potentially jacked hottie a quick glance here and there. Just keep it civil.
Moving to Iceland
Look, some people are just not cut out for summer and that’s totally fine.
If you’ve tried to love Aussie summer but you’re just not having any luck, might I suggest a quick relocation to Iceland? It’s hardly ever warm there, the people are apparently much smarter than us lot and in a pinch, they’re all 7ft tall.
Full disclosure: my knowledge of Iceland is very limited and based mostly on assumptions, so don’t believe a word I say.