Last Night’s ‘Married At First Sight’ Dinner Party Did Not Go Very Well


Married At First Sight claims to be a social experiment – presumably, the show’s hypothesis is that it’s hella entertaining to watch mismatched strangers scream at each-other while regretting their life choices. 
Last night, the show got its four couples together for a dinner party that absolutely nobody wanted to attend, producing some of the best crying fits and mortified reaction shots we’ve seen so far.
Before we got to that, however, we checked in on Zoe, at the very moment she realised that she is now Josh‘s mum and will be washing his jocks from now until whenever this social experiment all wraps up. 
For the record, Josh reckons that if you buy 21 pairs of undies, you only need to wash every 21 days, whereas if you just have three, you only need to wash every three days. 
Yes, Josh, the whole of Australia did indeed just figure out that you go commando on day 22.
 
We then briefly catch up with Roni, who sits unblinking on the couch as it dawns on her that her sham marriage to Michael has become the world’s saddest coffee commercial. The inside of her head is just pan flutes and screaming.
 
Later, when told that she has to attend a dinner party with the other sham couples to compare sham relationships, the screaming intensifies. Of all the Faces Of Married At First Sight, this is probably the best one yet.
The show doesn’t even make a fleeting effort to pretend that the ‘dinner party’ will go well. Ominous music plays as Michael imagines what it would be like to get in the car and just keep driving until he hits daylight. 
The ‘guests’ rock up, and Zoe makes very little effort to get invested in the bullshit small talk about where everyone went on their holidays. Clare and Lachie are banished to the kitchen, because nobody likes them. WHIPCRACK. INTO THE BIN.
Roni, not keen on the fact that she now has to justify her fake marriage to a room full of strangers as well as to herself, scowls her way through the early part of dinner.
After a while, she tries a new strategy of waving her arms about wildly while telling everybody that her partnership with Michael is good, y’know, really good, and things are going really good, because everything is good.
Roni tells everybody that she wasn’t even nervous at her fake wedding. Zoe needles some more, telling the table at large it’s good to be nervous, because it means you’re emotionally invested.
 
NOT THAT ZOE’S COMMENTS ARE DIRECTED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. COUGH, RONNIE, COUGH.
 
“Everyone’s different, you can’t judge,” Roni says, getting increasingly agitated as the other couples breathe a sigh of relief, because for once the focus isn’t on them. “I’M REALLY INVESTED. I’VE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE. I KNOW THE HARD WORK THAT’S INVOLVED.”
“I hope this ends in a tearful bathroom meltdown,” all of Australia thinks. A short time later, we get our wish. We’re sorry everyone was so mean to you, Roni.
Later, we check in with Clare and Lachie, who, yup, are still the worst. Poor Lachie wants to go to his nephew’s birthday party in the country, she wants him to stay behind in the city and paint a theatre set for some unknown fucking reason. 
“Which one of those things is more important?” he asks, fuming. We’d go out on a limb and say neither, but that’s probably not the answer he’s fishing for.
This is the actual face he makes when she tells the producers that their relationship is all about “continual compromise.” Later that night, he tells her “I’ve given up my whole life since we’ve been together”, which is less than two weeks at this point, but still.
When he yet again accuses Clare of never wanting to come to the farm, she looks right into the camera like the lady from Paranormal Activity, and you know shit’s about to get real.
“I work in the city!” she shouts. “What do you want me to do?! What would make you happy?! I really don’t understand! Sorry for making you unhappy. I don’t care where we fucking live! I don’t care, let’s move to the fucking farm! Is that what it takes?!”
With that, poor Lachie jumps in his ute and goes back to the fucking farm himself, and we are as physically and emotionally drained as he is at this point. Our bodies are more than ready for their inevitable, stilted reunion. 
Just while I think of it, this spot of shirtless ironing is pretty much the only thing James or Michelle did all episode, so, y’know … enjoy. BYEEEEE!

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