Had you for once in your life bucked up the courage to peel the pizza cheese off your cheek, stopped watching Friends for a goddamn minute and pulled yourself together in time to attend that party you flaked on seven years ago, you might today have been able to call yourself the author of a stirring essay titled ‘I Went To The Oscars, And Nobody Cared’ penned by Laura Simpson, or as her epitaph will read, Jennifer Lawrence’s Best Friend.
Alternatively, Not You.
Jennifer Lawrence’s Best Friend has written you an essay describing in great detail one of the many bizarre princess moments that when woven together create the glittering tapestry of life. This one occurred when she attended the Oscars on Monday. Defying comprehension, like the galaxy of A-Listers with whom she rubs shoulders and whose pheromones she gets huffs, she has published it on MySpace.
Here’s an insight into the glamourous life and even more glamourous pizza that could’ve been yours.
Jennifer Lawrence [only ever referred to as “My Date”; #humble #blessed] and Best Friend, who “met her seven years ago at an event where [they] both didn’t know a single person [having] hit it off over a mutual respect for Chandler Bing, and [have] been eating pizza together ever since,” attend the Oscars wearing matching Dior couture gowns.
Braving the zealots who picket the surrounding streets populated with armed guards who don’t like having their photo taken, the two Best Friends arrive on the red carpet only to quickly descend into another graceful free fall through time and history as Jennifer Lawrence “eats shit.”
Later, she’ll eat pizza. But for now, shit.
Best Friend is then abused by paparazzi, makes pleasantries with unfairly beautiful women while waiting to pee, then heads to the bar in search of pizza and to get shickered [in that order]. Afterward, in the green room, they eat more pizza surrounded by more famous people. Their whole life is pizza. The toppings: supreme.
The best parts arise when she meets and subsequently asks to smell Brad Pitt, “and he tells us, ‘I don’t wear cologne, it’s just my musk I guess.’” Also, when Bill Murray “winks at me while dancing” to ‘Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?’ at the Vanity Fair party. It’s a wonderful pizza life.
You can read the full pizza here.
Photo: Christopher Polk via Getty
