Jennifer Lawrence Cures Hiccups Forever – You’re Next, Lupus

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Published

May 19, 2014

Earlier this week at the Cannes Film Festival, the internet’s Glorious Leader, the Supreme Commander Of The Hunger Games and the First Chairwoman Of Looking Pretty While Tripping At Awards Shows, Jennifer Lawrence, raised her arms above her head, and we the people were troubled by hiccups no more.

At a party for Vanity Fair, the official state news organisation of the Democratic People’s Republic of J-Law, Supreme Leader Lawrence developed a case of the hiccups. “Seriously, I need some water now,” she said unto her handlers, in a voice as soft as a babbling spring brook, yet as commanding as the roar of a mountain lion.

She then struck a pose with her arms raised skyward, majestic as a crane prepared to take flight. As those around Superme Leader Lawrence basked in her heavenly glow, she said unto them that “The only thing that ever works for getting rid of hiccups for me is when I drink water and raise my arms above my head and lower them very slowly.”

Quickly did an underling return with a bottle of Evian, but there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among Supreme Leader Lawrence’s handlers, as there was no glass to be seen. Nonetheless, the Honourable Chairman Of Team Peeta, Josh Hutcherson, did raise the bottle to Lawrence’s lips. The pouring ritual continued for one and then two minutes, and onlookers turned their faces in shame and embarrassment.

A brief eternity later, when Lawrence’s arms were once again at her sides, her hiccups were cured. There was much celebration and jubilation that night, as Supreme Leader Lawrence had rid the people of the hiccups forever more, and everyone had enough to eat. Tomorrow, Lawrence will surely stamp out lupus with a flick of her glorious mane.

via Vulture
Photo: Ian Gavan via Getty Images