Your typical 50th birthday party is usually a relatively drama-free affair. Quaffing some champers, trying to wrangle the AUX cord from a shithead of a nephew who keeps playing ‘Losing It’, maybe a questionable speech from a partner. Normal shit. Unless of course you’re Jennifer Aniston. And I do not mean because you are a celebrity. I mean because you are LITERALLY THE GOD OF WAR AND CHAOS AND CHOSE YOUR 50TH TO REVEAL IT.

See, the world has been freaking the fuck out over Jen inviting Brad Pitt to her 50th birthday party. That’s news, obviously. The pair famously split way back in the 00s, with Brad moving on to have 405702 children with Angelina Jolie in record time. Naturally, people are crowing on about them getting back together – to which I say, as fucking if, they’re clearly just over their bullshit and will now be mates or gentle acquaintances.

Ron Galella, Ltd./WireImage

All this silly buggers over Brad’s head (literally the photos, which cost about $29460173 and therefore will NOT be in this article, are just the back of his head. Google them and be disappointed, if you must) seems a bit ridiculous when you learn who ELSE was at Jen’s birthday. It seems our mate Jennifer decided the perfect way to celebrate her 50th was to sit back, sip a martini, and watch all her exes – and THEIR EXES – fight to the death. As People reports:

…party guests included Pitt’s ex Gwyneth Paltrow, plus Aniston’s ex John Mayer and his ex Katy Perry, who was joined by boyfriend Orlando Bloom.

Let’s unpack this. We’ve got Gwyneth Paltrow – Brad’s relationship before Jen.

Credit: Ron Galella, Ltd./WireImage

They were together for years! Have never been seen together since their split, as far as I know! There’s John Mayer, long-time problematic and fuckboy bf of Jen’s, also long-time problematic and fuckboy bf of KATY PERRY, who was ALSO IN ATTENDANCE.

Credit: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Entertainment Industry Foundation

Do you think Katy and Jen are friends? I’ve never heard of this in my life! She’s absolutely invited her just to fuck with John Mayer! And Katy brought Orlando Bloom! Imagine the TENSION! The fucking TENSE SCENES!

This is Jen, watching all the bullshit go down:

Living for whatever stupid tea is poured religiously after this is all done with. No doubt the tabloids are gearing up for the 300 “sources” who will go to town with their goss this week.

Source: People
Image: Getty Images