It’s A Boy! Gisele Gives Birth

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady are so smug and good looking and successful it makes me sick. And by sick I clearly mean jealous because, you know, he has three Super Bowl Rings and she’s genetic perfection and they’re coupling represents everything my life isn’t – fairytale-like and awesome. I mean, could you conceive a more “perfect” union than the world’s most in demand model and a superstar quarterback? Not even shirtless Werewolves or sullen Vampires can compete with that shit and they’re not even real. What chance do we humans have?

Anyway the duo have successfully created the world’s first perfect human being as People reports that Bundchen gave birth to a baby boy on Tuesday evening. We congratulate the couple but more importantly we congratulate their son for even existing. By the age of six he would have caught 1000 passes from Tom Brady and sucked on Gisele Bundchen’s nipples which is far more than you or I could ever hope to achieve in our lifetimes.