I feel obliged to warn you that I have very little experience as a baller. I mean, I’ve hit a few balls in my time – but ballin’? Completely different story.
But, I’ve been around a tonne of people who come off as the balleriest ballers to ever ball, only to discover they’re just decent con artists.
So, now that I’ve gained enough life experience to sniff out the phonies, it should be relatively easy to use that skill, flip it, and give you all solid advice on how to look like a rish bish on a $0/month salary.
I hear some of you asking, “You absolute knob when will I ever need this life advice?”, and all I’ll say is that if you have to ask the question, you either a) crap money or b) don’t have any life goals that matter.
To everyone else out there who’s striving for greatness, I’ll leave you with this:
ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR POVO MATES
Your mates are povo. I know this because my mates are povo. Are they as povo as you? Hardly, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
All you have to do is flex a little harder than everyone else – a couple of rounds on you, tapping your card first when the bill arrives – and everyone will think you’ve got cash out the wazoo.
Just make sure you have money in your account before your flex because there’s nothing more anti-baller than getting declined, plus you’ll look a right tit.
GROUPON IS YOUR RIDE-OR-DIE
Coupons are essential to living life in the fast lane without crashing head-on into a rogue semi-trailer transporting debt and sleepless nights.
The only problem is that coupons aren’t exactly what we’d call ‘rich person currency’. Not to fret though, you just have to be a tad craftier. If you dine out on a Groupon voucher, simply offer to get the bill while they go and get the car and slip the cashier the voucher with a smooth-as-hell handshake.
FEIGN INTEREST IN RICH PEOPLE TOPICS
In the interest of looking the part, start taking pride in yourself (when around other people). Drink only water, wear only designer (which you’ve nabbed at an op-shop), eat only organic and speak only on matters that wealthy people consider interesting.
A few conversation starters: tax cuts for the 1%; how you had to change hotel rooms multiple times because the view wasn’t ‘to your liking’; the time your accountant swindled you out of hundreds; how a $211k annual wage is basically living in poverty etc.
SPEND LARGE IN PUBLIC, SMALL IN PRIVATE
A general rule of thumb is that people will only be able to tell you’re broke if you tell people you’re broke.
Stop with the whole, “Oh my god I spent so much money last night”, and switch it up for, “Oh my god, I didn’t spend enough money last night. My black Amex is gonna get cancelled unless I spend another $50K”.
I’ve also checked, they sell black Amex cards on Ebay so just buy one as a prop in case people start getting suss.
When you’re out with your mates/dates/strangers you met at Revs, drop that cash – just make sure you penny-pinch when no one’s around to avoid going completely bust.
Look, I’m not telling you how to live your life (except I am), but if you’re not gonna listen to me, could Anne Hathaway get through to you? What about Rebel Wilson? Then watch The Hustle. You’ll chuckle, they’ll chuckle, everyone will chuckle and you’ll probably learn more from genuinely rich actresses playing genuinely rich characters than you would from me.
Here’s the trailer:
Git it on Blu-Ray, DVD or Digital right bloody now.
