Here Are P.TV’s Humble Suggestions For Australia’s Next Eurovision Entry

Now the confetti has settled on the 2018 Eurovision Song Contest, it’s become clear Australia was given a pretty rough go. Despite an exceptionally strong showing in the final, Jessica Mauboy’s We Got Love received the lowest tele-vote score of the night. She ran out the final 20th of 26 – a result that shocked judges and commentators alike.

We here at PEDESTRIAN.TV are of the belief Mauboy killed it, and that she delivered everything required for a successful Eurovision entry. Perhaps it’s just unfortunate the chicken-clucking winner and a “cockhead” stage invader stole some of the spotlight.

In any case, it is imperative that Australia send a competitor as talented, unique, and resilient as Mauboy to Eurovision in Israel next year. In the interests of winning the damn thing and securing our place as honorary Europeans, here are our suggestions for Australia’s next entrants.

Cam Tyeson, Senior News Editor

TISM. Or, fuck it: Parkway Drive.

Courtney Fry, Music & Culture Editor

Savage Garden. We know we need a revival of this classic 90s two-piece, and the best stage for a return of the iconic band is clearly Eurovision. Not even some new fancy songs from Savage Garden, I want that pure, unadulterated pop that only comes with the saccharine sounds of the opening notes of I Want You. Has there ever been a two-piece that can sound as soft as velvet while using guitar licks leaning into The Smiths’ How Soon Is Now (you know, the Charmed theme) and 80s snare blasts reminiscent of INXS? No.

Considering Australia is already praised for being a nation state who enjoys a bit of malarkey – already recognised from this year’s Eurovision with Joel Creasey’s stage invader commentary – what better choice to really ramp up the Aussie larrakinism than by shipping off The Bennies to do our good country proud? I once watched The Bennies make an entire packed out Workers Club in Tassie crouch down on the floor until the chorus in one of their songs kicked in and it was sheer joy. Do that in Israel, what could go wrong?

David Adams, News Editor (that’s me)

Hungary‘s 2018 entrant AWS proved Eurovision has an appreciation – at the very least, a tolerance – for heavier tunes. Lordi’s Hard Rock Hallelujah paved the way in 2004, sure, but Viszlát Nyár boasts an actual metalcore breakdown. If that’s a risk we’re willing to take, the selection crew should give some of our own young mosh titans a crack. My vote here goes to either Ecca Vandal or High Tension, two acts who consistently crush.

Alternatively, if Dan Sultan can spare some time in his insane schedule…

Melissa Mason, Style Editor

I say let’s get Architecture In Helsinki back in action. They were doing the whole oddball quirky twee business way before Confidence Man (my second choice). Eurovision is entirely about OTT, and I think they’d bring the ridiculous in spades.

My next choice would be Art vs. Science, who could literally just show up and do Parlez Vous Francais? and win in two seconds. Can they do a reunion tour? My never-left-2010 self needs it.

Finally: Client Liaison, who would froth big time on the opportunity to take their nostalgia-fuelled 80’s ridiculousness to the Eurovision stage. Can you imagine? I think they’d go so hard on the shoulder pads that they’d collapse under the weight and be unable to perform.

It’ll be a fair few months until we know exactly who will represent us at the competition, but we fully expect polyester pop or crushing jams as a result of this list. Catch you then, pals.