Some things are absolute truths in life – the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, the Lithgow panther absolutely exists, and as soon as there’s any kind of panic, toilet paper is the first product shortage at the shops.

Take it from me, a person who worked in supermarkets for about five years; the bog roll is the first thing to go if there’s any kind of extreme weather, black out, or upcoming public holiday where the shop’s closed for a whole 24 hours (read: Christmas Day).

The panic around the coronavirus outbreak in Australia has once again sent the public into a frenzy, and we’re now seeing shelves at supermarkets across the country totally cleared out of shit tickets. Once again, the first things to go. Like people are stockpiling in case they get stuck inside and need to constantly shit or something.

I’m sure you’ve probably got one (1) friend who’s slowly losing their mind about the apparent TP shortage, but here are some strong facts to help them 1. calm the heck down and 2. not end up hoarding an insane amount of date roll in their house, maybe making a nice fort out of it or replacing all furniture with TP constructions.

1. We’re Not Running Out Of Toilet Paper

Sure, there might not be any on the shelves right now, but it doesn’t mean we’ve collectively exhausted the country’s supplies. Lifehacker has reported that we’re really not likely to run out of our supplies anytime soon.

Between the big three bog roll suppliers – Kimberly-Clark Australia (Kleenex), Asaleo (Sorbent, Purex), and ABC Tissue (Quilton) – consistent production is still happening, and they’re looking at getting stock to stores a bit faster.

So the dunny roll is there, it’s just probably in a warehouse somewhere or on the back of a truck.

2. You Probably Don’t Need That Much Anyway

Unless you’ve got a puppy who likes to grab one end of the roll and go to town, or you’re literally using a whole wad to wipe your anoos, you’re probably not going to go through a whole 24 pack in less than at least two months. Like, think about how much one of those big $10 packs from the shops lasts you. Or how long it takes your house to get through a box of 48 rolls from Who Gives A Crap. Just keep buying toilet paper like normal, it’s okay.

3. Australia Makes Its Own Toilet Paper

Yep, that’s right. Back to those three suppliers, they’re not just importing TP from other countries to distribute, they actually produce the product over here. Kimberley-Clark has a full paper mill in South Australia, reportedly relocated to ensure supply wasn’t affected by a coronavirus outbreak.

ABC Tissue, the company that owns Quilton dunny paper, also told Lifehacker that it’s not the virus that’s affecting supply lines, it’s just that Aussies are panic-buying faster than they can replenish it. One again, there’s definitely plenty of hole roll out there, we just have to want for it to be delivered.

You will simply not shit yourself so much in that time to rip through a 12 pack. And if you are, you’ve got bigger problems and should probably see a doctor or something.

Oh, and please, you don’t need to do this:

So if you’ve got a mate that’s all in a tizz about the fact there’s a toilet paper shortage at the shops right now, sit ’em down, tell ’em to take a few breaths, and tell them it’ll be okay.

And worst case, you could always just invest in a bidet or one of those bum-washing attachments for your toot.

Image: Universal Pictures