Not to be outdone by Catholic priests or footy players the cast of Home And Away prove that they too can dabble in sex scandals and drug related embarrassment. That’s right Home And Away cast members Jodi Gordon and Lincoln Lewis were involved in two separate incidents involving sex tapes, bikies, cocaine, paranoia and bedding teen starlets or what is also known as the plot to Goodfellas II. With the simultaneous cast member brain explosions it’s safe to assume there must be something in the water at Summer Bay – most likely liquid acid and the tears of Channel Seven Executives.

Now is probably the appropriate time to admit that I don’t like Home and Away and in my 22 years of existence have yet to watch a single episode in its entirety. This means I have no idea who these people are or what their characters are like. The basis of my ridicule then, will have to fall on appealing to the lowest common denominator which truth be told I’m totally cool with. Ready? OK here we go…

Summer Bay should consider renaming itself Hummer Bay after it was revealed that rising star Lincoln Lewis, the Logie Award winning son of national fucking hero Wally Lewis (I’m a Queenslander,) was involved in a sex scandal.

The young actor admitted to filming a sex tape with an unnamed TV Starlet then made matters worse by showing castmates the video. Reports indicate that cast and crew were “unimpressed” with his actions. It’s unclear as to whether this refers to Lewis’ career-threatening mistake or his cunnilingus technique.

“You do stupid things when you are young,” Lewis said of the incident “But your learn from your mistakes, that’s part of growing up. This mistake, and what I have learnt, will contribute a lot to making me a better person in the future.”

Not to be outdone, Police found castmate Jodi Gordon cowering in the bedroom of a suspected bikie after she was reported missing. The strange chain of events started when Gordon failed to return home after a night out with friends, prompting boyfriend and Channel Seven heir Ryan Stokes to call Police. In a separate incident Police received a call from a Bellevue Hill apartment claiming that five men (two with guns) were trying to infiltrate the residence. When Police arrived at the Bellevue Hill residence they found Gordon and an unidentified 29 year old man “cowering in the bedroom”. The duo’s assertion that the apartment was under siege was proven wrong by CCTV vision which showed no sign of intruders.

Sadly this situation only has two logical justifications. 1) Gordon, a fervent believer in method acting was merely immersing herself in drug culture for an upcoming role in Underbelly 3 or 2) It was a midweek bender that ended in this. The presence of gun wielding figments of the imagination lead me to believe it was the latter….