Sweet merciful crap, I swear ‘The Bachelorette‘ is the absolute perfect reality TV format. Not because of entertainment value or content (high as they may be), but because it’s one of the few reality shows willing to savagely and mercilessly bin contestants the *ABSOLUTE SECOND* they become useless to the show. Even at the expense of drawing the series out for a few extra episodes.
Last night we cut four (4!!!) wannabe loverboys loose in a glorious display of bloodshed not seen since the Roman Colosseum.
Sam, the almighty flog? Gone!
Rhys, the slightly less of an almighty flog? Gone!
Matt D, the human kettle? Gone!
Todd, a man literally named Todd? Gone!
In one fell swoop, the utter delight that is Georgia Love has whittled the field of potential suitors from 10 down to 6, and in the process slammed this Love Car into fifth gear, put a brick on the accelerator, and sent us hurtling towards the finish line.
So who, of the remaining six, actually has a shot at Georgia’s love? The Channel Ten webpage has been running a “Love Leaderboard” all season long, letting viewers vote for who they reckon will end up winning the Bachelorette over.
Currently, it looks like this:
I am here to tell you all, dear friends, that the Love Leaderboard is wrong. Not drastically wrong, but wrong enough.
And instead of settle for that clearly egregious error, I offer this alternative: Your totally official, extremely legitimate, 100% genuine BACHELORETTE FINAL SIX FORM GUIDE. Because if there’s one thing we as Australians like more than reality TV, it’s betting on the outcome of largely arbitrary events.
CLANCY – 1,000:1
He made a big power play on day one by letting Georgia shave his beard off, but since then he’s been like a wireless Xbox controller in a blackout, blinking wildly with no sense of purpose. He’s absolutely gagging to grow the beard back but doesn’t know if his entire relationship with Georgia is based on his hairless chin.
Not a snowball’s chance in hell.
JAKE – 100:1
Still looks like the Bachelor most likely to vow revenge on Spider-Man for killing his father, the Green Goblin.
A handsome devil, to be sure. But everything’s slowly starting to come unglued for the poor bloke due to lack of one-on-one time. And that’s telling AF.
As cool and calm as he’s been so far, there’s a hint of desperation about him that threatens to boil over at any second. Or, to put it another way: Jakey Jakey’s about to make a big… mistakey.
Would not be surprised in the slightest if he’s the gone by tonight.
LEE – 25:1
A nice bloke, to be sure. But he’s just been kinda… there. Not really doing anything spectacular. Not really setting his head above the pack. Not really capturing Georgia’s wandering eye as she surveys her dwindling harem.
Problem is that whilst he’s not been good enough to get to the finish line, he’s also not been bad enough to be cut loose ahead some of the other toolbags.
There’s nothing wrong with making up the numbers. And he now has more credited episodes of TV than Sam. That alone is a win in my book.
MATTY J – 10:1
Before this week, he was almost at longer odds than Clancy. Then he reaches into his bag of tricks and pulls out “Let’s Play: ‘Getting to Know Matty J’.” Good GOD where the hell was that hiding all this damned time? ADORABLE/10.
Let this be a lesson to you all, kids: Sometimes when you blindly throw the Hail Mary pass, someone way down the field will actually catch it.
A sudden, and quite realistic, darkhorse. The Western Bulldogs of Bachelorette Season 2.
CAMERON – 4:1
He’s almost *too* damned good, y’know? It feels like he’s been put together by design. He rocks that chiseled jawline AND he’s a firefighter? Nuh uh. Not buying it. Not for a second. Old mate had to have come in with a boring-ass job that Georgia never would’ve gone for like… oh, I don’t know… “student” or something. Then just as he was about to be let go at his audition he casually mentions he’s a volunteer fiery. Suddenly he’s a fully-fledged firefighter as far as TV is concerned.
It’s the same principle used for Michael last year, because lord knows no one wants to willingly shack up with a real estate agent on TV. Any tenuous link helps, yo.
A major contender, and will almost definitely make the final two. But from where I sit, he’ll be going home alone.
COURTNEY – 3:1
Before you start, I know. I KNOW. Something about him just seems a little bit… off. I can’t quite put my finger on it. There’s a hesitancy about him that doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.
But lest we forget the harsh lessons we learned in this season of ‘The Bachelor,’ it’s never about who we as an audience like, it’s about who Georgia likes. And in all these shows, it’s the first impressions that matter the most.
Night one? He gets the first impression rose. Boom. Straight off the bat. They met, they locked eyes, and hearts went a little a-flutter.
The same dang thing happened last year with Sam and Sasha. It’s an instantaneous thing that you absolutely cannot explain. Chemistry. Kismet. Something ineffable that demands exploring beyond the realms of a reality TV show.
But whether whatever it is that’s holding Courtney back remains after the leave they mansion together (probably) sticks around remains to be seen. Perhaps it’s merely a product of feeling a little bit awkward around a bunch of TV cameras and lights, which is totally understandable. Not everyone has that performance switch in them. Maybe once they leave together they’ll suddenly realise that their real-life, non-TV personalities match in a way that they never actually realised under the hot lights of a film set.
But perhaps, on the other hand, it’s a deep-rooted issue that he hasn’t fully gotten a grasp of just yet. Maybe there’s issues with commitment that he doesn’t quite know how to resolve. And maybe, just maybe, that’ll be the killer cause of their ultimate split.
Either way, that’s a hurdle that won’t have to be cleared for at least a good few months. So for now, if I were a betting man, I’d chuck my wallet on him.
Who knows though! I could be way off the mark here.
For all I know, Clancy could be about to pull off the biggest Cinderella story in a year that’s already been full of ’em. And in which case: Go get ’em Clance, you absolute mad rooter.
Photo: Channel Ten.
