How To Throw A Hella Decent Party While Doing The Absolute Bare Minimum

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I recently adulted hard and threw a dinner party (I use the term ‘party’ very loosely, as everyone was gone by 8pm and no one was drunk) which went down pretty damn well. Namely, because there was absolutely no effort involved.

I spend a good portion of my life in a raging internal debate over wanting to see my friends but also, more importantly, wanting to sit in my underwear like the piece of shit I am, so the fact that I was able to be social and remain dangerously sloth-like was just delightful.

In the past, I’ve trialled the tactic of inviting friends over while I was still in my underwear but due to some serious backlash and a tonne of ~suggetions~ (“I can see your bloody dick you neanderthal” was a personal fave), I ended up caving and wearing restricting, conforming pants.

So, although you might not be able to entertain your mates in your most true, most comfortable form, you can still get away with doing the bare minimum while seeming like a standout host.

Go for nil-effort grub

I’m quite fortunate because I’ve used the past 10 years to carefully craft my reputation as a terrible cook. It was pretty easy actually, all I had to do was be the absolute worst chef imaginable.

The whole aim of my decade-long quest for mediocracy is pretty straightforward – I didn’t want people to expect home-cooked meals when they came over. If anything, I wanted them to pray to every god possible that I’d order out and spare them the torture of having to consume undercooked, salmonella-inducing chicken. Mission accomplished.

You’ll be looked upon even more favourably than a profesh chef if you suggest takeaway as everyone, even food snobs, can’t say no to a cheeky dose of MSG every now and then. The other upside is that all you have to do is dial a number and maybe answer the door when the delivery person gets there (I tend to leave the door open so they, along with 14 strangers and three cats, can stroll on in when it suits).

Make people have their own fun

Discussing politics and that time your friend was abducted and held hostage for six months is fun and all, but eventually, even with the most interesting of mates, the conversation will run dry.

Thankfully, it’s 2018 and we’re no longer limited to 1980’s Trivial Pursuit and spontaneous therapy sessions that end in tears and shame – we actually have technology we can rely on for entertainment.

Whether it’s a movie in the background or whipping out Fortnite for hours of tense silence as everyone remains fixated on the screen, technology allows us to keep everyone chuffed without lifting a finger. You don’t even have to pretend to be witty or fun yourself.

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Screen dull guests

You may have noticed that the group you’ve attached yourself to since high school, while decent humans, can’t hold a conversation for the life of them. The last thing you want is guests who expect to have entertainment handed to them on a platter while offering absolutely zero substance in return.

This is why you need to trade up – find acquaintances or hire people who are actually fun, know how to have a friendly, heated debate and in a pinch, can entertain themselves if you feel so inclined as to go and have a 45-minute nap halfway through the party.

Save your actual friends for when you need help moving house or want legal advice – lawyer friends are handy for that one favour only. Ever tried to have friendly banter with a law student? You may as well tell your bangin’ joke to a cactus.

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Time it well or suffer the consequences

One of the most crucial components of a no-effort night of shenanigans is how you time it. It’s just common knowledge that the longer people stay at your party, the more pressure there is to keep them entertained and full for the duration of the night. This doesn’t bode well for those of us cut from the laziest of cloths.

So the game plan here, muchachos, is to pick a night during the week so most of your full-time friends are deterred from staying too long – it is a school night, after all.

Another hot take is to start inviting friends with kids, as everyone knows parents can’t stay out past 7:45pm or they’ll burst into flames. If you don’t have any kid-minding pals, just go to your local park and approach parents with a proposition to come to a stranger’s house for dinner. Trust me, it won’t be weird at all and no, the police won’t be called.

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Regardless, despite it being an absolute pain in the ass to host a lil’ gathering, I think we can I think we can agree that the minor inconvenience is still better than sitting at home by yourself with nothing but your dark, alarmingly twisted thoughts.

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