In news that has warmed this muggle’s cold, dead heart, Netflix has announced today that all eight Harry Potter movies are returning to the streaming service. Accio remote, etc.
It’s been an on-again, off-again relationship between Harry Potter and Netflix. We all cheered like Gryffindor did when Harry caught the snitch in his mouth (in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone) when Netflix first got all eight Harry Potter movies in 2018. Then we all sobbed like Hagrid did when Buckbeak lost his appeal (in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) in January 2020 when Netflix rudely deleted all eight titles. It’s been a rollercoaster, but we’re on the up again people!
Thoughts and feelings about the transphobic creator of Harry Potter aka She Who Must Not Be Named aside, you can’t deny that these movies are good for the soul. The sweet nostalgia of the theme music just fills me with warmth, not unlike a tankard of butterbeer (I’ll stop with the Harry Potter references soon. Maybe.)
Whenever I’m having a bad day and want to go to my happy place, curling up on the couch and watching the Harry Potter movies is the answer. The 17 glasses of wine are optional. So thank you to Netflix for bringing them back into my life once more.
As of July 15, 2021, all eight of the Harry Potter movies will be on Netflix. Here they all are, in case you’re a boob and have totally forgotten what the go is.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
In this movie, a young kid named Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) who is low-key being neglected and abused by his uncle and aunt discovers that he’s actually a wizard. Instead of living in an actual cupboard under the stairs he gets to go to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, where he meets Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) and Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), two people he will be third-wheeling for the rest of his life. Oh and he also meets Lord Voldemort on the back of his teacher’s head, the bloke who killed his parents.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
As a teen I definitely developed a daddy issues crush on Lucius Malfoy (Jason Isaacs) thanks to this film. He’s the bad guy I know, but he’s daddy as fuck. Fight me, I don’t care! Thanks to Netflix for making him very accessible to me now, day or night.
Anyway in this film things get a bit fucked up when a monster that casually lives IN A SCHOOL starts attacking children who aren’t full-blooded wizards or witches. I’ve always thought that the teachers weren’t quite as panicked by this as they should have been, but here we are.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Once again, the teachers are far too chill that an ESCAPED MURDERER keeps breaking into Hogwarts with a knife, apparently with a vendetta against Harry Potter. This is the best book / movie of the entire series, once again you can fight me in a midnight duel if you disagree. It has everything — true crime, Sirius Black (Gary Oldman), time travel and a fucking werewolf.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
If you dislike Robert Pattinson and wish to watch him die, then this is the Netflix movie for you! This is the point where the books and movies get really hectic and dark. The only bit of fun is the Triwizard Tournament because everyone loves a bit of competition, and also the Yule Ball which is the height of teen angst, but everything goes very much south at the end of the Tournament when Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) gets involved and it turns out one of the teachers has been held captive in a suitcase for the good part of a year.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I absolutely hate the vibe in this movie. Basically even though he comes face-to-face with Voldemort at the end of the last film, barely anyone at Hogwarts believes Harry and all think he’s a dickhead. It’s so unfair. Luckily, Professor Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) has his back, and brings back a secret society called The Order of the Phoenix to fight against Voldemort and the Death Eaters. But then he loses his job as Headmaster and we get the worst Headmistress ever, Dolores Umbridge (Imelda Staunton) instead. The kids create their own secret society called Dumbledore’s Army, which is pretty badass. Also, there is a tragic death that occurs and I’m still in therapy for it.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The movies are getting darker and darker at this point. Voldemort is very much back on his bullshit here, but the fun part is how hormonal the teens are getting. Harry starts dating his best friend’s sister Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright), Hermione gets a boner for Ron but Ron has a boner for another girl. It’s all so FRAUGHT. Meanwhile, Harry’s nemesis Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton), who has been unhinged literally since he was 11 years old, goes even further off the deep end as he starts working for Voldemort, culminating in another horrific death that I don’t want to talk about. Thanks a lot Netflix for making me live through it again.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
So in the Half-Blood Prince Harry, Hermione and Ron were all finally like “Um why the fuck are we bothering with going to school when an evil overlord might just blow us all up anyway?” Which is a really good point, when you think about it. So they all decide not to go back to Hogwarts, and instead they decide to find all the Horcruxes which will help defeat Voldemort. However, if you think that makes for exciting cinema, think again! This is the most boring movie of the lot and mainly features the three central characters being nervous in and around a tent. For like three hours. You still need to watch it because some important stuff happens, but it’s rather dull. Lucky it’s Netflix so you can scroll on your phone while you watch.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Finally, the dramatic conclusion. This movie raked in over $1 billion worldwide and I remember desperately needing a wee when the movie had about 30 min to go and I just held on, risking certain UTI so I could watch it all play out. There’s so many heroes in this story, not just Harry — from Severus Snape (Alan Rickman) to Molly Weasley (Julie Walters) to of course, Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis). You’ll cry 1000 tears in this movie but it’s so cathartic.
Now once you’ve worked your way through all the Harry Potter movies on Netflix and re-read all the books (you can find a beautiful collector’s set for $67 on Amazon right HERE), then I highly recommend listening to the Audible audiobooks narrated by Stephen Fry. Such a treat for your earholes.