When it comes to royal tea, conspiracy theories always abound. That’s because the royals are notoriously tight with news, giving us just top line information. Who KNOWS what goes on behind those Buckingham Palace walls, you know? Probably some crazy shit.
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The latest scandal is, obviously, Prince Harry & Meghan Markle opting out of royal family duties. In case you haven’t caught up, they made an announcement – seemingly without checking with HRH Queen Liz, to split their time between England and the States, plus pull back from the royal family.
Of course, even though they went ahead and did a media statement without consulting Lizzie, we still just got top line info. Why are they doing this? What was the tipping point? Is it all innocent, we-just-wanna-live-our-lives business (probably)? Or is SOMETHING SINISTER LURKING UNDERNEATH.
Obviously, it’s way more fun to come up with wild conspiracy theories about their decision than to just go with the most likely answer. So I came up with a bunch of theories, with a bit of help from my colleagues.
1. Kate Finally Yeeted Them Out Of The Royal Family
For a very long time, pretty much since Megs and Harry started dating, rumours have swirled that Kate and Meghan do not get along. More than that, the rumours are that their dislike of each other caused a huge rift between Harry and Will.
TBH it all sounded like bullshit, pit girls against one another stuff. But there HAVE been times where the women simply look like they’d rather not have to converse, and look – often you don’t like your sibling’s partner, ok! It happens!
So here’s a conspiracy theory – did the alleged tension between Kate and Meghan reach breaking point, leading to Harry and Megs giving up on being royal entirely?
2. Meghan Wanted To Return To Acting, & Liz Forbade It
The royals are the most stick-up-the-ass of all British people, and I can hundo p imagine Queen Liz forbiding Meghan Markle from a return to acting due to it ~not being appropriate~ or something.
It would be fucking hard to not only move countries, but give up your lucrative career you (I assume) love to become the wife of Prince Harry. Did Meghan miss it so much that she just HAD to break royal protocol and do whatever she could to get back to it?
Here’s how this goes. Some of the big wigs from Suits are like, look Meghan, we want to give you 3.5 million dollars to come back for a reunion special. We can’t do it without you, blah blah.
Meghan realises she misses acting and simply MUST return for a Suits special. Also 3.5 million will get them a sweet holiday house in Antibes.
3. Someone Killed Someone And The Sussexes Couldn’t Deal
Now we’re getting spicy. I always love the idea of the royal family secretly offing people that get in their way. There are ALWAYS rumours (extremely unfounded ones) of certain people in history dying in mysterious circumstances and conveniently burying with themselves dark secrets about the royal family.
So, were Harry and Meghan privy to some sort of cover-up? Did the guilt weigh on their souls? Did they wanna extricate themselves due to this?
4. Harry & Meghan Killed Someone And Are On The Run
I mean, this is extremely unlikely because if you were going to go on the run, you’d literally just DISAPPEAR. Not make a giant media statement about leaving the royals. Unless they’re ABOUT to disappear and they’re just crossing x’s and dotting i’s before making it happen? I think I’ve mildly lost my mind now.
But here’s how this would go. Harry and/or Meghan run someone over with their car. On purpose. It’s a paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes and took photos of them while laughing – no one likes photos of themselves laughing, least of all ones splashed across tabloids.
Harry puts his foot on the gas, intending just to break the guy’s kneecaps because that is painful AND annoying, long recovery time, but accidentally murders the guy instead. Meghan immediately taps into her acting past – she once played an accomplice to murder in a Hallmark film, she knows what to do.
She gets a convenient carpet out of the boot and rolls the pap into it. They torch the car and the guy’s camera equipment (wiping the laughing shots first, no one needs to see those). It’s not enough. A security guard has witnessed the whole thing and can’t contain his guilt.
The Queen needs to find a solution, but before she can Harry and Meghan make the snap decision to begin a disappearing act. The Queen is pissed – she knows this won’t work, but now they’ve gotten the ball rolling she can only play along.
5. They’re In Cahoots With Netflix
And our most batshit theory yet, from my colleague Lucinda.
On their recent 6-week sabbatical to Canada, they took a secret trip to Los Angeles to “visit Meghan’s father”, aka meet with the creators of ‘The Crown’. They went in a golden helicopter also. The director, an old friend of Meghan’s father since his lighting director days, has offered them a holding fee of $56 million annually to ensure their participation in S7 of the series, to be shot in 2027.
They are given $5M bonuses for every scandal they orchestrate. In this series, they will play themselves; allowing Meghan to return to her true passion, acting. Harry is also fond of the dramatic arts, as was evidenced in 2005 when he went to a fancy dress party as a Nazi. John Candy was slated to play Thomas Markle, but sadly he died in 1994.
