There are movies you remember forever, like I could tell you the entire plot of Step Up 2: The Streets after 70 beers at 3am if I needed to. Then there are those that you completely forget exist until they’re right in front of your face. Like Hannah Montana: The Movie.
Then I spotted it on a hotel streaming service after forgetting the film existed for ten years. HELL FUCKEN YES I will be watching that stupid kids movie while mildly drunk!
Turns out the 2009 flick holds up REAL well for a re-watch – I’m not talking about probbo stuff (it’s fine though), I mean in terms of entertainment value. The songs are killer, the fashion hideously 00s, and the plot just delightful. Here are Some Thoughts.
1. It Is Somehow Even Stupider That No One Recognises Miley As Hannah
So we start out with Miley struggling to get into her own concert (well, Hannah’s concert). There’s a lot of running around in a wild panic before she makes it in and gets prepped. It takes a lot – A LOT – to suspend disbelief that no one, literally not one single person, sees Miley and thinks “hey, that looks like Hannah Montana” but you know, we all knew that going into this bitch right?
The best moment to me is when Miley gets up on stage at her hometown’s fundraising event to do ‘Hoedown Throwdown’ (more on that later), and the Very Bad Journalist Man walks in trying to get his scoop, completely blanking this singing girl who looks like a brunette Hannah Montana and sounds exactly like the famous singer. YOU GUYS. This is so stupid. I love it.
2. ‘Best Of Both Worlds’ Is An All Time Banger Sir Bangerson
The absolute SLAPPING BANGER ‘Best Of Both Worlds’ is gifted to us straight outta the gates, when Hannah gets on stage to do the tune (or should I say CHOOOOON) in front of thousands. It is just SUCH a bop. I missed it.
3. Tyra Fucking Banks
Blah blah something about Lily’s birthday, Christ that girl is a drain – like get over it? Your friend is famous and gets you free shit all the time, just let her be a dick and chill out. If my mate was taking me to her Malibu mansion all the goddamn time I wouldn’t be bitching about her not making it to my bday, let me tell you.
Anyway, Miley (as Hannah Montana) almost misses Lily The Drainer’s birthday at the beginning of the film because she goes shopping, and we’re gifted with the absolutely God-level cameo of Tyra Banks. Tyra is playing herself but like, Psycho Tyra, and gets into an absolutely phenomenal fight with Hannah over some fugly heels. This is an iconic scene, may I assist your memory with this gif.
Heaven. More Tyra cameos in films, pls.
4. Daddy Cyrus
I’m sorry, are you uncomfortable with me calling Billy Ray ‘Daddy’? That was sarcastic – I’m not sorry, he IS Daddy, especially in this film. He just minces around in this sullen country way, sad his daughter has become so Hollywood and intent on making her all down-home country again.
He says “YEEEAH DAWWGGY!” a lot in this film and I’m here for it, somehow he makes it sexy. He also sings a few times, also sexy. And he has a fantastic low-key romance with Grandma Cyrus’ foreman who is, of course, a sexy lady. Not a grizzly pot-bellied man, like the foreman who is always at my parents house fixing things. And who once saw me lying in my undies eating a yoghurt cup without a spoon. But let’s never speak of that again.
5. Hot Babe Travis
On Miley’s romance front, she meets Hottie McHotBoy Travis Brody, her childhood friend she’s somehow forgotten even though he’s a STONE COLD 10/10 FOX. Miley, babe, I do not believe you. They bond while re-painting the chicken coop. It’s cute. Obviously they kiss in the end. The point is, Travis is also a babe in a more age-appropriate way.
6. FUCKEN HOEDOWN FUCKEN THROWDOWN BABEEEEY!
IS. THERE. A. BETTER. SONG. IN. EXISTENCE. I. ASK. YOU. No, there isn’t. Shut up, there is not. There is not! This song SLAPS. It SLAPPA THE BASSES. It SLAPPY THE SEAL SLAPS. I cannot believe I forgot about it for a decade – I learned the whole fucking dance, and it’s actually really complicated and hard so props to Yung Mel because she really had skills.
POP IT LOCK IT POLKADOT IT. Christ it doesn’t even make sense and I don’t care. It’s just perfect.
7. Hold On, Is That Taylor Swift?
8. THE. CLIMB
Oh god, when I first heard this song I got legit chills. Ditto ten years later. Enjoy.
Also fucken lol how Hannah Montana reveals herself to be Miley to the ENTIRE TOWN, and they all agree to keep it a secret. Yeah fucking right, everyone would have snapped content on their shitty phones and sent it all to TMZ.
More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV
A Gossip Girl Actress Was Almost Cast As Hannah Montana & Yr Never Gonna Guess Who It Was
Hilary Duff Said ‘Never Say Never’ To Hannah Montana Crossover & It’s The Best Of Both Worlds
We’re Just Going To Accept That Miley Stewart Could Conceal Her Identity With A Wig, Huh?
Feast Yr Ears On Miley Cyrus’ Demo ‘Ooh Yeahs’ Behind Those Iconic Hannah Montana Transitions