In extremely important cool story bro news, OMGG the series finale of the show that time and everyone forgot, Gossip Girl, aired last night on The CW/Fox-8/The Internet and boy was it a doozy?! Just kidding. It was very much not a doozy. It did, however, put an end to over six years of speculation as to who Gossip Girl was all this time, which in itself has merited coverage on every major news network in the Western World.
After six seasons of hairbands, ascots and ties askew, star-cross’d love and money both old and new; sexy scandals, mock drama, fake intrigue, faker deaths and bad karma; some serious Fashionz, stilted dialogue, and acting reminiscent of Passions, the identity of the show’s titular deus ex txt msg was revealed. But just like the show itself, you won’t find out who it was that easily. First, a recap.
I haven’t watched Gossip Girl since Blair was engaged to ambiguous European royalty and Nate was schtupping Liz Hurley (what happened there? Please fill me in, thanks) so I spent a lot of time playing catch-up and pausing the show to yell at anybody who would listen (no one). Things were a bit vague, but from what I gathered Dan is now a published writer who contributes a regular series of societal exposés on the lives of his rich ‘friends’ to Vanity Fair [important plot point]. Also, Nate is an ex-jailbird serious journalist/Carrie Mathieson from Homeland homage who hangs out with minors [who are probaly 30 IRL] and is trying to uncover the identity of Gossip Girl. What a creep.
So apparently Chuck’s dad, Bart, came back from the dead and Lily married him again because she loves weddings more than love itself, sending World’s Most Embarrassing Dad, Rufus, back to the gentrified slums from whence he came (DUMBO). Bart fell off a building and Chuck didn’t save him because Bart tried to kill him using a private jet, so he fled with Blair to a bed and breakfast upstate (obvs) where they escaped police questioning by hiding in the trunk of his limo and under the covers. Chuck’s uncle from Dexter with the cheekbone implants tracked them down because he still has a tracking device on Chuck’s limo (natch) from the last time I watched this show. He told them that because of things like ‘patricide‘ the two needed to elope so Blair couldn’t testify against Chuck for being ‘negligent/a murderer‘. It had something to do with ‘spousal privilege’ and ‘we need to wrap this show up ASAP’.
Naturally a scheme was hatched necessitating the presence of Harriet The Spy who rounded up the old gang and recruited comic relief from all this fuckery, Dorota, the Polish maid who apparently has a drinking problem. Everyone met at The Met (irony) before rendezvousing at The Bethesda Fountain in Central Park where Blair’s Jewish step-father Cyrus presided over their wedding (so now they’re Jewish, I guess. Mazel tov dummies!). Chuck wore a ridiculous white tuxedo and Blair wore Elie Saab (pictured) and I died. This show gave ridiculous/great wardrobe. Then the police took them away for questioning and everyone was like ‘NBD let’s go hang out at Blair’s even though she’s wanted for questioning in relation to the death of another human being whom we have hardly mourned or talked about‘.
Then Nate sent out a blast that Dan tipped him off about because journalism and everyone got the blast in a moving montage – I mean everyone was there, it was like a terrible dream, or a nightmare. Vanessa was there even though she was the worst human being, as was Juliette, the chick who roofied Serena. Veronica Mars and Summer from The OC also made an appearance, as did Mayor Bloomberg (the freaking IRL mayor of NYC) who made a cameo because Gossip Girl is a cultural institution that will help secure for him The Youth Vote.
It was with this final blast that they all found out that Gossip Girl was Dan Humphrey, aka Lonelyboy, all along. What a snitch!
No one seemed to care at all that Dan had been doing a total fucking inside job on their lives for six years, mining their srs dramas just for page hits; including (but not limited to) telling everyone his little sister was a tramp (apparently she was cool with it and so too was Rufus) and basically slandering everyone he held dear. Didn’t everyone hate Gossip Girl because she was a life ruiner – didn’t she actually ruin people’s lives? Whatever. Turns out Dan just wanted to fit in really badly and because he’s a writer he was able to adapt the linguistic tropes of high society (‘OMG’ and ‘XOXO’) and find an in into the incestuous clusterfuck that is Manhattan’s elite. There were even references to F. Scott Fitzgerald, which was completely ridiculous because obviously Fitzgerald obviously has nothing on Dan Humphrey from Brooklyn, aka Lonelyboy, aka Gossip Girl. Who calls themselves any of those things? An idiot, that’s who. The whole thing was just an elaborate ruse to facilitate his incessant-come-incestuous stalking of Serena Van der Boobsen. She was totally fine with it. Go figure; she’d do anything for attention
The show finished forever with a flash-forward to five years in the future (a la Six Feet Under sans Sia) where we found ourselves in a fancy townhouse on the UES where Chuck and Blair are raising a miniature paisley hell-spawn who can’t act for shit. We finished with Dan and Serena’s fairytale wedding replete with slow-mo stair entry and, again, everyone was there – like the creepy Baldwin who can’t move his face and wishes he was Alec; Serena’s gay bro from Revenge with dreadful hair was there too, as was Taylor Momsen, who the show pretty recklessly screwed over. Just like Chuck did to Jenny.
RIP Taylor Momsen’s Career.
Serena wore a gold dress probably by Marchesa and Florence and the Machine’s cover of ‘You’ve Got The Love‘ played in the background (just like the final episode of Sex & The City) while the camera pulled back out the window and tracked over a typical UES New York street where the next generation of this horrible assortment of ‘humans’ congregated around flip phones that no one uses anymore, assuming the roles handed down to them by their narcissistic predecessors and the box set of this extinct pop cultural relic.
After six years, two hours and experiencing my own high-school Gossip Girl IRL, at last – we were freed.
Just kidding. Everything starts all over again when SATC prequel The Carrie Diaries begins January 13 on The CW/Fox-8. Stay tuned.
(Obligatory) “XOXO”
