There are very few shows that consumed my early teenage years quite like Gossip Girl, but hoo boy did it give me unrealistic expectations.
When the show kicked off in 2007, I was a wee little nine-year-old. So you could imagine my surprise when I turned 16 and wasn’t published in the New Yorker, drinking expensive cocktails in hotel bars and going to school wearing 6″ stilettos. I mean, talk about unrealistic expectations.
But it wasn’t until I re-watched the series in it’s entirety during isolation that I realised *just* how ridiculous this show really was.
Having A Wildly Successful Career Before Finishing High School Or University:
We’re going to start with the part that really fucked me up as a teenager, the careers.
I know, I know, nepotism is a very real thing and it’s probably a million times easier to progress in your career when you’re a Bass or and Archibald. But are we seriously meant to believe that this random group of spoilt rich kids ALL had successful careers before they finished high school?
Dan Humphrey, with no professional writing experience, was published in The New Yorker during the show’s first season, so you could imagine my surprise when I had to come to terms with the fact that this was a wildly unrealistic storyline in a fictional TV show, and not something I’d achieve before I finished high school, or… ever.
But I could forgive the show creators if Dan was the only character who got lucky and had his career fall perfectly into place, but it literally happened to all of them. Jenny Humphrey just *happened* to stumble into a budding fashion career because she went to school with Blair Waldorf, Nate was running The Spectator before he graduates college and Chuck owns a fucking bar before he’s old enough to legally purchase a beer.
What. The. Fuck?!
It’s hardly surprising that I had 500 career-triggered mental breakdowns before I turned 21, the show that shaped my teenage years had me whole-heartedly convinced I’d be living in an ~artsy~ New York City apartment writing columns in The New Yorker by now.
Drinking Fancy Cocktails In Hotel Bars Underage:
Underage drinking isn’t exactly groundbreaking (although I’m not condoning it), but Gossip Girl really had me out here expecting to be sipping $30 cocktails in a fancy bar with my very own Nate Archibald at 16. But instead, I was *checks notes* drinking Vodka Cruisers in a paddock in the middle of nowhere.
Honestly, I don’t know how this show got away with the shit it did. Am I seriously meant to believe that a bunch of 14-17-year-old children are getting served in a bar when I (a 21-year-old adult) still have to show ID to buy a bottle of wine from my local BWS?
Not to mention, the drinking age in the US is 21, not 18. So these kids were YEARS off being able to legally sink a beer in the pub. But did that stop them? Absolutely not.
Throwing Lavish Parties That Aren’t In Somebody’s Backyard Or A Random Paddock Somewhere:
If there’s one thing adult life has taught me, it’s that parties are fucking expensive. But we’re meant to believe Blair Waldorf (a literal child) is throwing extravagant galas and ‘Kiss On The Lips’ parties at age 16? Sounds like a hoax but sure.
Some of these fancy parties would’ve cost thousands of dollars. In what world is a 16-year-old kid inviting her friends to an elite Manhattan hotel for a party?
If this were real life, Blair would be that rich girl in your English class who threw parties at her dad’s house where you’d all get drunk in the backyard and take cute Instagram photos by the pool. Fancy, but realistic.
Even if we ignore the underage drinking part, these episodes really had me thinking I’d be hiring out rooftop bars for all of the events on my exclusive social calendar.
Wearing Heels… Everywhere:
Now I love a good heel as much as the next guy, but Gossip Girl had me legitimately convinced I’d be walking around in 6″ pumps as soon as I turned sixteen.
These characters wore them EVERYWHERE, including with their school uniform. Who does that? I went to a private school and I was risking suspension if my school shoes weren’t perfectly polished, but these kids are out here wearing bloody Louboutins every day.
For starters, talk about uncomfortable. But also, do people actually wear heels on a daily basis? Maybe I’m just a fake adult who can get away with wearing sneakers to work every day, but I’m calling bullshit on this “adults wear heels everywhere” hoax that Gossip Girl pulled on us.
Fucking Off To The Hamptons For The Summer:
Serena, a literal high school student, just casually fucks off to The Hamptons for the summer at the start of season 2, where she begins a relationship with Nate.
I don’t know about you but I sure as hell wasn’t galavanting all over the country with my new boyfriend every summer in high school. I was lucky if my parents let me go to my boyfriend’s house that was five minutes down the road, let alone to the fucking Hamptons.
If you grew up rich and this was a reality for you, please email me because I have some serious questions. For starters, can I come on your next Hamptons trip?
Having Serious Relationships In High School:
Even if you can ignore the *really* fucked up relationships, like how Dan and Serena’s weird kinda-incest relationship, or how they BOTH fucked their teachers (which is definitely illegal), the relationships in this show were just some next-level shit.
I really wish somebody told teenage me that the producers of this show were literally portraying early-20s relationships and not high school couples because it really explains a lot.
Was anyone else convinced that they’d be having super serious relationships like this in high school and university? I mean, I was out here expecting “four words, eight letters, say it and I’m yours” shit, only to be rudely awoken to the fact that most men I’ve met under the age of 25 are more interested in shaving the word “penis” into the side of their head after a footy grand final than committing to their girlfriend.
Also, I’d like to have a few words with whoever tried to convince 16-year-old me that real teenage boys look like Nate Archibald.
They really had me out here expecting to find a Blair and Chuck kinda romance in high school.
