Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow‘s wellness label, has unleashed its Mother’s Day (May 10) gift guide for 2020. The only thing I can actually afford is the [checks notes] USD$19 Energy Medicine book by Jill Blakeway, but eh, sometimes it’s fun to pretend like you have millions of dollars and can’t remember what Marvel movie you were in. Anyway, let us begin.
If you’re unfamiliar with Goop, the store stocks a “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle. Think that and more. The Mother’s Day collection is divided into eight categories, some specifically created for lockdown. For the homebodies among us, Goop recommends a USD$149 Vesper Vibrator Necklace from Crave. It is an actual vibrator, dipped in 24-karat gold. The vibrator has four speeds and two modes (pulsing and constant).
Usually I convert all the prices into AUD here, but even just converting the sauna price for the headline brought me pain. So let’s not.
Luxury.
Next up is a Cartier watch for USD$30,800. Thirty thousand dollars. I don’t know if this is affordable or not for the Goop audience. I don’t what to know the answer to that either.
Boobs puzzle! This would be fab in isolation, not gonna lie.
I don’t know what this does, but it looks intense. It’s called Theragun G3 and it costs USD$399. Update: I read the description and it’s a lightweight massager. I thought it was a handheld food mixer. My dad would bloody love this, tell ya what.
Sauna. An actual sauna.
“MOM’S VERSION OF HOTBOXING.” Good Lord.
Not feeling any of these? What about a full astrological chart reading, from USD$148. As Goop says, “The stars always know.”
One more, or I’ll never stop.
But if none of these feel quite right, there are simpler options as well, like the Gucci candle for USD$290, which comes in a porcelain jar. Made in Italy. Or a marble cake tray with a glass dome for USD$140. Or a seed starter pack for USD$55. You can’t go wrong with seeds. Actually, Goop’s also flogging potted plants (USD$50-100) and a whole-ass lemon tree (USD$49) as well. The good shit.
My personal favourite? This USD$799 smart garden.
It connects to an app that lets you check on your herbs when you’re away from home. A smart garden. For your herbs. You can grab herb starter kits at Bunnings for 18 bucks, but you might actually have to put work into it. Be warned.
