Ricky Gervais kicked off the 2012 Golden Globe Awards with a monologue almost worthy of his deliriously cringe-inducing effort of last year: personal pot shots at the most famous people, studios and networks in the room. A couple of the highlights? Of Jodie Foster‘s Mel Gibson-starring midlife crisis drama The Beaver he said: “I haven’t seen it myself. I’ve spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven’t seen it either. But that doesn’t mean it’s not any good.” Gulp. Jodie seemed pretty cool with it though, and this kid knows what’s up:

Golden Globes 2012: Winners And Highlights

Watch Ricky’s full opening monologue here:

Sadly, they kept Ricky’s banter to a minimum. He got very little screen time and seemed subdued compared to last year. A shame for the audience.

WINNERS
CHRISTOPHER PUMMER: The first award for the night is Best Supporting Actor (Drama) and it goes to veteran Christopher Plummer for his performance in Beginners. In his beautiful acceptance speech he thanked director Mike Mills, his co-star Ewan McGregor (who Plummer described as a “scene-stealing swine”), and his wife.

KATE WINSLET: She won in the long winded category Best Performance By An Actress In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television for her role as the titular character in Mildred Pierce. There should be an award called Best Performance By Kate Winslet that goes straight to Kate Winslet just for being great.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S PENIS
Everyone had a crack at it. Not like that, sicko. Clooney even mentioned it in his Best Actor acceptance speech with a comment about playing golf with no hands. Cock jokes: may they never go old.

MADONNA: Madonna won for Best Original Song, but her most winning moment was scaring the shit out of the usually unflappable Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. Look as he gingerly shakes Her Madgesty’s hand and she talks about her movie in a British accent.

Madonna also got in one of the best comebacks of the night to Ricky Gervais when she commented: “If I’m still just like a virgin, Ricky, then why don’t you get over here and do something about it?,” after her served her some lip.

COLIN FIRST: Ricky Gervais introduces Colin Firth as a racist, kitten murderer. Colin Firth gets on stage and says something about how wonderful Ricky Gervais is and the audience bats their lashes at him adoringly – because he’s British and charming and the best.
Golden Globes 2012: Winners And Highlights

MERYL STREEP: of course wins for The Iron Lady. She forgot her speech, and because she is quite old and blind she has to remember it off by heart. She forgets the name of the women nominated so rattles off as many people as she can, then drops a few extras in there – including Mia Wasikowska for her performance in Jane Eyre. She also thanks God – Harvey Weinstein. Titter titter!

SWINTON When Swinton’s name was read as a nominee in the Best Actress, Drama category she was all amused and embarrassed.
Golden Globes 2012: Winners And Highlights

PETER DINKLAGE: He may be small in stature, but Game Of ThronesPeter Dinklage is ridiculously high in charm. During his acceptance speech for winning Best Supporting Actor (Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie) he opened with an anecdote about his mother advising him that Guy Pearce was going to beat him and so to not get too excited. Go Tyrion Lannister.

JEAN DUJARDIN: His amazing performance in silent film The Artist won him the Golden Globe for Best Actor (Comedy Or Musical). The French actor said how wonderful it was to find a role fitting for an actor whose expressive eyebrows operate independently of one another. Go see the movie.
Golden Globes 2012: Winners And Highlights

JOEY? Matt LeBlanc – yes: ‘Joey from Friends‘ – won the award for Best Performance By An Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical for playing himself in the show Episodes. At least he beat Johnny Galecki.

Here is the full list of winners:

MOTION PICTURE
Motion Picture, Drama
The Descendants – WINNER
The Help
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
War Horse

Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture – Drama
George Clooney, The Descendants – WINNER
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March
Brad Pitt, Moneyball

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
The Artist – WINNER
50/50
Bridesmaids
Midnight in Paris
My Week With Marilyn

Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture – Drama
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady – WINNER
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Tilda Swinton, We Need To Talk About Kevin

Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Jean Dujardin, The Artist – WINNER
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris

Best Director – Motion Picture
Martin Scorsese, Hugo – WINNER
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, The Ides of March
Michel Hazanvicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants

Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture
Octavia Spencer, The Help – WINNER
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants

Best Foreign Language Film
A Separation (Iran) – WINNER
The Flowers of War (China)
In the Land of Blood and Honey (USA)
The Kid With A Bike (Belgium)
The Skin I Live In (Spain)

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris – WINNER
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, The Descendants
Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball

Best Animated Feature Film
The Adventures of Tintin – WINNER
Arthur Christmas
Cars 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

Best Performance By An Actress in A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn – WINNER
Jodie Foster, Carnage
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids
Kate Winslet, Carnage

Best Original Song – Motion Picture
“Masterpiece” – W.E. – WINNER
Music & Lyrics by: Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry
“Hello Hello” – Gnomeo & Juliet
Music by: Elton John
Lyrics by: Bernie Taupin
“The Keeper” – Machine Gun Preacher
Music & Lyrics by: Chris Cornell
“Lay Your Head Down” – Albert Nobbs
Music by: Brian Byrne
Lyrics by: Glenn Close
“The Living Proof” – The Help
Music by: Mary J. Blige, Thomas Newman, Harvey Mason Jr.
Lyrics by: Mary J. Blige, Harvey Mason Jr., Damon Thomas

Best Original Score – Motion Picture
Ludovic Bource, The Artist – WINNER
Abel Korzeniowski, W.E.
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Howard Shore, Hugo
John Williams, War Horse

Best Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture
Christopher Plummer, Beginners – WINNER
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method

TELEVISION
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Modern Family, ABC – WINNER
Enlightened, HBO
Episodes, Showtime
Glee, FOX
New Girl, FOX

Best Performance By An Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes – WINNER
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
David Duchovny, Californication
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Thomas Jane, Hung

Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series – Drama
Claire Danes, Homeland – WINNER
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Madeleine Stowe, Revenge
Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness

Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Series, Mini-Series, Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story – WINNER
Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce

Best Performance By An Actor in A Supporting Role in A Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones – WINNER
Paul Giamatti, Too Big to Fail
Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce
Tim Robbins, Cinema Verite
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family

Best Performance By An Actor In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Idris Elba, Luther – WINNER
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
William Hurt, To Big to Fail
Bill Nighy, Page Eight
Dominic West, The Hour

Best Television Series – Drama
Homeland, Showtime – WINNER
American Horror Story, FX
Boardwalk Empire, HBO
Boss, STARZ
Game of Thrones, HBO

Best Performance By An Actor In A Television Series – Drama
Kelsey Grammer, Boss – WINNER
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeremy Irons, The Borgias
Damian Lewis, Homeland

Best Performance By An Actress In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce – WINNER
Romola Garai, The Hour
Diane Lane, Cinema Verite
Elizabeth McGovern, Downton Abbey
Emily Watson, Appropriate Adult

Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Downton Abbey, PBS (Masterpiece) – WINNER
Cinema Verite, HBO
The Hour, BBC America
Mildred Pierce, HBO
Too Big to Fail, HBO

Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Laura Dern, Enlightened – WINNER
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Laura Linney, The Big C
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation