Public transport is the bane of everyone’s existence – you put up with it because you either want the environment to, you know, EXIST in 10 years, or you don’t have a car. Basically, because you have to and not because you want to in any sense.

And absolutely no one enjoys it. Trains/buses/ferries/trams are packed with smelly miscreants who have loud, personal conversations right next to your earhole and smack your head with their stabby handbags.

Here’s The Most Fucked Up Shit We’ve Seen Go Down On Public Transport

In general, public transport folk are the wooooorst except for YOU, who is pure and perfect and why isn’t everyone else like you.

But there’s bad folks and then there’s FUCKING HORRIFIC FOLKS. People who need to go immediately to jail for being terrible.

Here’s the worst we’ve encountered, from poopers to nail clippers.

I was sitting on the train once, and looked to my left to see a girl sipping out of a can. When I looked closer, it turned out to be a can of condensed milk. FYI, condensed milk is like thick, goopy caramel milk. Not regular milk. It’s delicious but an entire can? On the train??Kristy

My mate and I once got slapped in the face 4 times each by a gang of 5 guys PLAYING KAZOOS really loudly on the train in Paris. Then they stole our wallets and passports.James M

Here’s The Most Fucked Up Shit We’ve Seen Go Down On Public TransportI was sitting behind a woman on the Central – Bondi train once who was brushing her hair. Maybe you don’t find this repulsive, but public hair brushing is revolting in my book. It was sweeping over her chair into my face, and then three strands landed on my bare legs. Foul. Mel

Here’s The Most Fucked Up Shit We’ve Seen Go Down On Public Transport

A woman was clipping her toenails on the Chatswood-Wynyard train. At 7am. Lady are you going to work?? Is this the best time to be doing that?? Luckily she was a few rows away from me because I could see those suckers flying.Alex

Once I saw a guy’s penis and balls fall out of his pants on the 333. Like, down the middle of his shorts. Unsure if that was on purpose or not… – Kate

Here’s The Most Fucked Up Shit We’ve Seen Go Down On Public TransportI don’t have a story but all I can think of is this yarn about a shit someone saw on a Melbourne train.Amy G

I saw a man on his way home from work pull out a large container of hard boiled eggs (like 10-15) and just eat them all. The trip was from the city to Newport (1.5 hours in traffic) and he ate eggs the whole time. That image has never left me. I wanted to stop watching the man eat the eggs, but it was like a solar eclipse. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t stop watching. Also no sides or anything just straight up hard boiled eggs. James Millynn.

Here’s The Most Fucked Up Shit We’ve Seen Go Down On Public TransportOnce my mum was riding a train past a jail, and this little girl turned to her dad and said ‘Dad! Remember when we used to visit you there!’ For the whole carriage to hear.Amy

One time I saw a gentleman receive a wristie under an Eminem hoodie.Josie

I was on the 387 bus in Sydney once when I spotted a man pull out an ENTIRE FROZEN PIZZA, fold it in half, and eat it like a giant sandwich. He was also swilling it down with a 1.25L Mountain Dew. Mel

Here’s The Most Fucked Up Shit We’ve Seen Go Down On Public Transport

Man Eating Roast Chook On Bus. That’s all.Lucinda

One morning a man sat next to me and whipped out a Tupperware container of fresh, warm, very pungent curry.  – Kate

When I was in high school I saw a man get on my bus with two ferrets, one sitting on each shoulder. I have no idea how he was allowed on.Izzy

RankTown: population all of these people.

If you’ve got your own gold yarns, flick us a comment on FB. We’ve decided to just read ’em all and do no work for the rest of the day.

Image: Seinfeld