If you’ve ever been in need of evidence that the legal system in Australia is far too rigid and outdated, then this is the news story for you.
And if you’re just after a bloody good laugh thanks to the antics of a clear champion, then boy are you ever in the right place.
See, when you’re young and headstrong and have the world at your feet, there exists a delicate, precious few years where the luxuries of adulthood begin to open their doors to you, but the full weight of grown up responsibility isn’t placed completely onto your shoulders. And that’s exactly how it should be. There should be years where you’re allowed the blissful, carefree, infinite magnificence of youth, combined with the unshackled nature of adult independence. It’s what makes for a joyous life. It builds character. Teaches important life lessons. It builds happy human beings.
What you don’t need, however, is some stuffed-shirt, crotchety judge telling you when and how is the appropriate time and way to acquire a kebab.
See, back in early February, a young Victoria lad – nay, a young Victorian LEGEND – by the name of Jack Mascitelli was holidaying in Byron Bay with mates in (a somewhat late, admittedly) observance of the fine, upstanding Australian tradition known as Schoolies. A right of passage for many. A time to kick back and relax and celebrate all the hard work put in across the final years of High School, and toast to everyone’s future. Young. Wild. Free.
At around 8:45am on the morning of February 4th, Mascitelli’s mates levelled a dare at him to chuck a cheeky little nudie run with the prize of a free kebab on offer. Now I put it to you that very few self-respecting people on this goddamned planet would not take that offer up, if put in that position. A little bit of exercise? Getting some fresh air on the dangly bits? A quick stab of adrenaline from the brain, AND a free, delicious kebab at the end of it? There’s not a single part of that that’s wrong.
It’s just that, in this particular instance, Mascitelli quite literally ran into a spot of bad luck when he rounded a corner and found himself heading directly into the path of a group of the Byron constabulary.
But still, he should be ok, right? A quick slap on the wrist? A few snide laughs from the plod? A sheepish look on his face and an enforced ride back to the place where he was staying? The biggest punishment being the derisive laughter of his mates?
Wrong. The Byron cops instead decided to slap him with a $500 fine for offensive behaviour.
Quite rightfully, Mascitelli decided to contest the fine. And that’s when he ran into Deputy Chief Magistrate Chris O’Brien.
Having the case heard in Sydney’s Downing Centre Local Court earlier today, O’Brien chided Mascitelli for all the reasons you’d imagine someone bereft of fun would.
“Mr Mascitelli, what a goose. That’s what you are. This is 8.45 in the morning and you are running through the streets with no clothes on.
I don’t know why you would want a kebab at that time of day.“
Far be it for me to be glib here, but I don’t know why you WOULDN’T want a kebab at that time of day. It’s called adulthood. Look it up.
O’Brien continued thusly:
“This behaviour is embarrassing for your family, embarrassing for you, it’s embarrassing for the community. If people had been there with their children, or in my case my grandchildren, to see you exposing yourself … they’re wandering off to have a swim and there you are in all your glory.”
I’m sorry, is this guy a Magistrate, or the villain from every 80s coming of age teen movie ever made?
This kid is the hero we all deserve – throwing caution to the wind for no reason other than a free snack. Those are PRECISELY the kind of daring, risk-taking qualities that advances society as a whole. Shutting that down and admonishing that is not only backwards and dull, it’s damned near un-Australian.
Jack Mascitelli is the beating heart of a champion that lives within us all. He is destiny manifest. A living embodiment of our proud, sun-kissed nation. Want further proof? Upon leaving court Mascitelli tweeted the following sentiments.
“Ohhhhhhhhhhh shit yeah !!!!! #free”
THAT is the kind of no-bullshit response that makes this story great. The unbridled relief of unblinkingly staring down a legal system and coming out with no conviction; a legal system that wanted to punish him over some grilled lamb, tomato, lettuce, onion and tzatziki in a bit of toasted pita bread.
Jack Mascitelli is an innocent man. And all is once again right with the world.
As for Magistrate O’Brien? You, sir, are a stupidhead.
“Homer, is that you?“
