Season two of The Real Housewives Of Melbourne wrapped up last Sunday, and what an action-packed few weeks it’s been. Janet and Gamble fought viciously about The Rumour at Chadstone Shopping Centre. Janet and Gamble fought viciously about The Rumour in Manila. Gina and Jackie fought viciously about The Rumour at Pettifleur‘s winter wonderland-themed birthday party. Some other stuff may have happened as well, but much like poor, emotionally-damaged Figaro, we spent almost all of this season cowering behind a cushion in abject terror.
Part one of the customary two-part reunion special airs tonight at 8.30 on Arena. We’ve already opened some beverages in anticipation of shit getting very real indeed, but in the meantime, here are five things we want out of tonight’s very special episode:
1. Lydia To Say Or Do Something Interesting
Lydia was the life of the party in season one – buying up expensive big cat-themed artworks, hitting outrageously on her stepson, stirring the pot between Andrea and Gina for her own amusement. A few Wet Pussies notwithstanding, however, the most exciting thing season two Lydia did was redo her bloody kitchen.
Unless she’s transitioning to some kind of home reno show where she and The Block’s Shaynna Blaze say ‘WOW’ at each-other for forty minutes a week, something’s gotta give. There’s a she wolf in the closet, Lydia – open up and set her free.
2. A Proper, Old-Fashioned Housewife Meltdown
“Ten minutes into filming, this explosion happens over something really random and one of the women just completely loses her shit,” Gamble told News Limited, in preparation for the reunion, ushering in probably the most important breaking news story of the decade to date.
“The person having the tantrum was calling us liars – and I’m thinking, hey that should be me getting upset. The person who melts down was so strong all season I didn’t see it coming.” Our bodies are so ready we actually can’t stand it. Our money is on Lydia or Chyka.
3. A Coherent Explanation Of What Switch The Bitch Is Actually About
Credit to Pettifleur, who very clearly appeared on the show to build her ~personal brand~, and uttered the phrase Switch The Bitch so frequently that it will be seared into the mind of every Real Housewives fan from now until forever. If only we knew what the blood hell Switch The Bitch is about, because every time somebody tries to explain, we seem to get further away from it.
We know there’s some kind of empowerment message there, an bitches are definitely switched, perhaps several times over, but beyond that, we’re lost. Also, any update on when Pettifleur’s eyebrow lady plans to release her instructional guide on the formula you need to do the ultimate dance of love would be much appreciated.
4. A Proper Gina-Jackie Blow-Up
Rumour has it that, heaven forbid, Gina might be bowing out of The Real Housewives Of Melbourne after this season, leaving the rest of her ungrateful hangers-on to their petty squabbling while she takes on Miami or Los Angeles. If that’s the case, please let there be one last very couture throw-down between her and Jackie.
How will Jackie manage to top her “bloody good root” soliloquy from Manila? How viciously will Gina put everybody else in their places? Our angels are telling us that they’ll both find a way. It’s just a vibe we’re getting. Also, Gina, please don’t leave us all alone.
5. A Final, Conclusive End To The Rumour
Chkya, the housewife we want to be when we grow up, actually sorta kinda instigated all of this season’s unpleasantness between Janet and Gamble, then backed right the fuck away before any of it could stick to her.
That was a wise move, because The Rumour – that Gamble was a stripper or a pole dancer or hosted sex parties or some bullshit that we barely even remember – has been the source of every major scrag fight this season. It also introduced us to this little number, for which we’ll always be thankful:
The housewives have gotten a lot of mileage out of The Rumour this year, but it’s over now. It’s done. The Rumour has long since left the fancy cocktail party, stepped into the helicopter, flown off into the sunset, doubled back to return Ben‘s keys, then flown off one more time. Let’s never talk about it again. K? Thanks.
Whatever happens though, we’ve no doubt tonight’s going to:
Images: Caroline McCredie via Getty Images / Bustle