Before there were the Fifty Shades films, there were the Fifty Shades… books, and if you thought Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan kind of grunting at each other in a semi-sexual way was bad, then boy it must have been a long time since you read the source material.

Unfortunately, no one alive is physically capable of stopping author E.L. James from putting pen to paper, so we have another book of hideous fictional foreplay to get through. Darker, the second in the series of books told from Christian Grey’s point-of-view, is out, and its prose is about as erotic as a wet sock.

Remember how the original trilogy made frequent references to Anastasia‘s “inner goddess”? Well this one is infinitely worse. Gentlemen, let me tell you: “My cock approves, big-time” is not something you should ever reasonably think to yourself.

In good news, however, the sequel contains my new fave piece of dirty talk: “Put the chicken in the fridge.”

Not a euphemism.

Here, courtesy of BuzzFeed‘s Scott Bryan, is one of the more colourful passages.

Please Read The New ‘Fifty Shades’ Book If You Want To Never Be Horny Again

And people are going WILD for it.

I’ve never, ever needed to read a book so badly in my life.

Scott Byran is continuing to live-tweet reading the book, if you want to / need to follow along.

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Image: Fifty Shades