We’re back again and ready to recap episode 2 of Farmer Wants A Wife, also known as the only reality dating show that produces actual marriages and kids and not just detox tea sponsorships on Instagram.
Last night’s episode saw us following 40 (literally, forty) different storylines, but tonight we cut it in half, making it far less of a cluster fuck to follow.
Need a refresher of the Farmer Wants A Wife cast? Read everything you need to know about this season’s FWAW stars here.
But tonight’s ep of Farmer Wants A Wife was far less confusing and far more interesting, so let’s get to it.
We kick off the episode with each farmer enjoying their 24 hour solo date with their chosen potential wife.
Alex is already smitten with Jessica, and I’m already preparing for the moment she *nearly* wins his heart before he proposes to Henrietta in a Matt Agnew-style finale. My heart is already broken for her.
Within minutes of the episode, Sam (who is Italian, I must remind you) already makes a damn mum comment. She hasn’t even made it to the farm yet and he already says that her and his mum would “get along like a house on fire.”
Sorry, Sammy boy but it’s called FARMER Wants A Wife, not Farmer’s Mum Wants A Wife.
I simply cannot stress enough how over him I am after just one episode.
But just when you thought he was the one to stick his foot in his mouth the most, we head on over to Harry’s farm where he has a fucking motorbike – yes, a real motorbike – in his lounge room??? Uhhhh, WHAT?!
But to make matters worse, he clarifies to Madison (who looks like a sweet, sweet angel) that “that’s where it lives and that’s where it’s gonna stay.”
Honestly, how are four girls fighting over a man who keeps a bloody motorbike in his lounge room?! Oh, and let’s not ignore the helmet that is sitting like a goddamn trophy on his IKEA table. What is this? Did the FWAW producers not do a little sprucing up before the girls arrived? Clearly not.
On a more positive note, Neil is out here wooing his woman with some chocolate fondue. But don’t freak out, because this isn’t The Bachelor, so the chocolate is in a fondue pot and not in a bathtub. *shudders*
After leaving his poor gal Chantele freezing her ass off in the cold, he quizzes her on if she’d be okay if their next date was at the pub, instead of eating fondue in the cold. Being the iconic she is, she tells him she likes a good steak and a chicken schnitty, instantly winning the hearts of every farmer in Australia.
Down in Tassie, we get our first look at Nick’s winery and honestly, I’d marry him just for a chance to win the property in the divorce settlement. To quote Lizzie McGuire, this is what dreaaaaaaaams are made of.
As I kinda predicted after last night’s episode, Liz still seems to care more about how the property will boost her marriage celebrant business than the possibility of actually finding love.
But if you thought this meant she was taking things slow, think again because on their first date she already interrogates him on whether he wants kids.
“Do you want kids, yeah, like small people,” she asks, clarifying that she means human babies and not baby goats.
They then go on to discuss how his vineyard is currently set to be inherited by his nephews when he carks it, you know, kids, death, the usual first date topics!
Next, we flash back to Madison and Harry, where Mads tells the story of how she was heartbroken after her boyfriend of six years dumped her. Seriously, I will throw hands with whoever broke this poor girl’s heart.
For your running tally, first date topics should include: making babies, death, inheritance and relationship trauma. Noted.
After pouring her heart out, she glares over at the MOTORBIKE that he’s using as decor, likely wondering how the fuck she got herself into this mess.
Aaaaand right on cue, we’re back to Farmer Sam, who serves up a bloody salad for dinner after spending the whole first episode boasting about his Italian culture. Understandably, Sophie is like ??? what the fuck??? Arrivederci, Sammy boy!
But just when you thought this date couldn’t be any more of a dumpster fire, there’s a knock at the door. I’ll give you one guess who it is. It’s mum.
Sophie, poor, innocent Sophie is trying so hard not to be rude but you can just tell she’s over it already.
“You’re very lucky arent you, your mum’s come to the rescue,” she says.
Sam reckons the date is super successful because his mum likes her, it’s a disaster.
Back on Alex’s farm, it rains. I know, I know, droughts are horrible. But for fucks sake, the producers are acting like Jessica blessed the rains down in Africa.
I’m stoked for Alex that the rain has finally come, but I reckon science and general weather patterns are the reason for it. But sure, let’s act like the stars have aligned and this is a sign that Jess is ~the one~.
They go on a cute date, Alex froths over the rain to the point where I kinda just want him to marry a bucket of rainwater rather than any of these girls.
To end the date, they share a kiss that seems like it’s straight out of The Notebook (full disclosure: I’ve never seen the notebook.)
The next morning arrives and it’s time for the rest of the sister wives to get to the farm. Henrietta, who is the clear favourite, asks if anyone has seen Wolf Creek as they’re driving through the middle of the desert. Unfortunately, John Jarratt doesn’t make a cameo.
Just before the girls arrive, Alex hints that he wants Jess to boast about their kiss. Meanwhile, Jess is more excited to boast about the “pretty mean lasagne” she had for dinner. We simply must protect this woman at all costs.
The girls arrive at the farm and Henrietta immediately tries to serenade Alex with her piano skills, only for Jess to say that she’ll sign her up to play at her funeral. OOFT THE SHADE!
These two are going to have beef for sure.
My girl Marnie barely makes an appearance in tonight’s episode, but it’s important to note that when she arrives in Tassie she asks if Liz and Neil have shared a “kissypoo,” which is by far my favourite word spoken in the entire episode.
They go to visit Nick’s loveshack cabin in the woods, have a grand ol’ time and nothing all that interesting happens. I want Nick’s to find love but if they’re not going to give Marnie the screen time she deserves, I simply don’t care.
All the girls are then sent to work, leaving me to whether they’re looking for love or just wanting to offload their work onto a group of unsuspecting women.
Notably, all of the girls for each farmer are happy to join in except for Madison, who is feeling awkward and stays back at the house on her own.
In a shock twist that isn’t really that shocking considering the premise of the show is to eliminate each girl until you find ~the one~, each farmer is given the option to yeet one of their sister wives off the farm. They don’t have to, but the option is there.
As you’d expect, Liz is immediately worried about how this will impact her plans to expand the wedding celebrant business. Clearly she follows Sophia Amoruso because this girl is a #girlboss.
Back at Neil’s farm he cooks dinner for his four blonde sister wives at a random table outside. He tells them the secret ingredient is love, before promptly explaining that “love doesn’t come in a jar,” proving that he’s probably watched his fair share of Nat’s What I Reckon videos.
Meanwhile, Harry tries to get to know the girls, asking them to tell him a bit more about themselves, to which Madison says she “doesn’t have much to say.”
I mean, you have to say SOMETHING. We’re rooting for you Madison! Speak up! Spread your wings!
Ultimately, she spreads her wings and flies the fuck out of the dinner party, leaving Harry to go find her.
We’re finally at the point of the night where each farmer has to decide whether or not to eliminate a potential wife. It’s way less climatic than other shows like Bachie because they don’t *have* to kick anyone out.
Alex chooses not to send anyone home, prompting him and his sister wives to throw an impromptu dance party.
It’s a little weird, but wholesome nonetheless.
Sam also chooses not to send anyone home, probably because he’s only been able to take one of them on a date with his mum so far.
Our boy Nick makes the same decision, saving our beloved Marnie from getting sent back to the mainland.
Surprisingly, despite Madison walking out of dinner, Harry says he’s happy to give her a second chance and doesn’t feel comfortable sending anyone home tonight. It’s sweet but c’mon, it’s reality TV, give me SOMETHING.
Thankfully, Neil pulls through and chooses to evict somebody, leaving poor sheep farmer Chantele out in the cold (again), after calling her a “bloke”. Uhhh???? I wanted somebody to go home but this doesn’t even make sense.
We also copped a sneak preview at next week’s episode of Farmer Wants A Wife, which promise to be far more juicy and dramatic than week one. So I’ll see you all on Sunday night to sip some more tea and farm some more laughs.
Still can’t tell the difference between Nick and Neil? Or just want to stalk the girls on Instagram? Check out everything you need to know about the Farmer Wants A Wife cast here.
Lavender Baj is the Arvo/Nights Writer at Pedestrian. She posts thirst traps and dog pics on Instagram and tweets every bat-shit thought she ever has on Twitter.
