Falling Inn Love, the latest bin-fire film from Netflix, is helmed by none other than 00s musical genius Christina Milian. I think that likely tells you enough about what to expect from it.
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The film is absolute garbage, wrapped in flammable polyester and then lit on fire again. It’s VERY BAD. It’s also perfect mindless trash to watch with a tub of Sara Lee and a pizza tonight, if you’re so inclined.
Because we love to punish ourselves, my colleague Louis Costello and I (Mel) watched the damn thing on its premiere, which was last night. We did the dirty work for you, and now we’ve recapped the thing so if you just want the plot and most insane moments, you can have them without submitting yourself to the visual hell itself.
Strap in, mates.
LOUIS: Okay full disclosure, I did fall asleep about halfway through Falling Inn Love and had to speed-watch the rest before work this morning which in many ways, was the worst start to the day.
MEL: Completely understand this as I missed about 30% of the film on account of it being boring as shit. But! Here we are, reviewing it nonetheless and recapping it for all these normal people who refuse to watch trash on their precious nights at home.
LOUIS: Alright so, can we just quickly discuss the lead actress, because I know exactly who she is but for the life of me I don’t know what I’ve seen her in (if anything).
MEL: So Christina Milian is famous for her TUNE ‘AM To PM’ from like, 2001 or something. That is it. I feel like she has acted before but I have NFI what in, or why they chose her to headline this terrible film. Or why she agreed?
LOUIS: Well based on how shitty she is at conveying normal human emotions/reactions/physical movements, I’m not at all surprised she agreed to do this. It makes Brenda Song’s performance in ‘Secret Obsession’ Oscar-worthy.
MEL: Absolutely agree. I don’t think we need Christina Milian in any more films, Netflix. Just a thought. So the film starts with Gabz (Milian) riding a bike through a lush green countryside, except psych she’s on a VR exercise bike in her San Fran apartment. One takeaway from this film for me is this – I want that fucking VR bike.
LOUIS: For a hot sec I genuinely thought that opening scene was deadset Falling Inn Love trying to pass of Christina riding an actual bike, so I was pleasantly surprised that it was just a shitty VR moment. Gotta give ’em credit, they know how to lower my expectations down to the sewers just to lift them ever so slightly. I also loved that from about five minutes in, we’re told that we’re meant to be on her side because she makes small talk with the hot dog vendor (chatting to a hot dog vendor who is ~clearly~ inferior to a tech start-up genius whiz like Christina is such a nice thing to do, way to go!).
MEL: I could not for the life of me put a finger on what her actual job was. It seemed to involve inventing things for the environment. I guess it’s also irrelevant – what we did need to know was she’s a Very Important Business Lady, and we know that because she carries a briefcase and wears a peplum top under a trench coat.
LOUIS: She’s a Very Important Business Lady with a Very Clearly Dud-Of-A-Root Boyfriend, what could possibly go wrong? Her life is perfect.
MEL: So we see Gabz is very smart but also dealing with plenty of douchelords in her workplace. But that’s fine because then the company just liquidates! Then her shit boyfriend, who freaks out over a rustic recycled wood shelf reserved for him in her wardrobe and tries to force “raw kale salad” down her throat, which to me is a criminal offense, says he never wants to move in together so she dumps him!
She’s ripe for a life-changing ~ journey ~, and she gets it in the form of… an unsolicited email containing a comp to win an inn in New Zealand?
LOUIS: Not even an unsolicited email, an email that very clearly looks like one of those spam emails that you clicked on when you were 10, only to be sent 4000 viruses that eventually destroyed your computer and burnt your house to the ground.
For someone as smart as Gabz, I was disappointed that she even clicked. Although, she was in a semi-ice cream and wine coma so I’ll let it slide.
MEL: I’m also extremely alarmed that when she woke up to find that, in the space of 12 hours, she had somehow won the competition, her first thought wasn’t “Well, this sounds like someone trying to use me as a drug mule to NZ” and was instead “Cool, I’ve got nothing going on, I’ll fly to New Zealand to collect my free Inn”.
LOUIS: Well I mean, her VR headset did just tell her to give her boyfriend an ultimatum after she just lost her job as if it was a good idea, so I’d be fucking bailing outta the country so fast I’d have whiplash.
MEL: Side note, that ad mentioned “New Zealand” about 460 times in the space of two minutes. We get it, the inn is in New Zealand!
LOUIS: So, this is where I get confused because as soon as she lands, she meets a certified thot who she immediately hates for no reason whatsoever?
MEL: The most unrealistic part of this film is that in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, NZ, there is a sexy single tradie. I have been to outback Australia, I have been to rural NZ, I have been to country USA. You simply do not just happen upon sexual single men who are also capable with power tools.
LOUIS: You’re talking about the same world where you can send a 400-word essay to an unknown email and score an Inn in 24 hours Mel, this isn’t real life so we’re gonna have to suspend our disbelief.
MEL: Yeah look, extremely fair. So she rocks up to Beechwood Downs and meets sexy Jake Taylor the tradie, who informs her she’s in the “Wop Wops”. I genuinely had no idea that the New Zealand slang for “middle of nowhere” was the same as the Aussie slang (woop woop) except stupider.
LOUIS: Well apparently the actor’s Australian so maybe he just got his wires crossed and came out with a weird hybrid. We may need a NZ native to confirm.
MEL: No I legit googled it to confirm, it is actually ‘wop wops’. What is in the water over there? I can tell you – the marijuanas. That’s the only excuse. Anyway hard agree, I have no idea why Gabz and Jake immediately hated each other’s guts? All that happened was that her suitcase exploded bras all over his car. He’s really hostile, and she’s hostile back. For NO REASON. Like her suitcase should at least have fucked up his ute, or he should have almost run her over.
LOUIS: I’m gonna boil that down to immediate sexual tension and perhaps Gabz just being cautious because she’s in a foreign country in the middle of fucken nowhere so I’d be wary too. I’m also impressed that after Jake fucks off, she manages to find her way to the local cafe. Was she walking for hours? Days? Years? Who knows? That’s the fun.
MEL: And the cafe is very, very upmarket and modern considering the town is meant to have about give residents. Why was it full of patisserie treats and 50 loaves of bread? The township would have to buy 20 loaves each per day to make this profitable, surely.
LOUIS: I guess it’s 2019, even remote towns in NZ have copped a wee bit of gentrification, maybe? I honestly don’t know. I also didn’t twig when they gave her a free coffee at first coz I was all, “Wait hold up she’s being snooty, never give snooty people free stuff”.
MEL: She did nothing to deserve that coffee. Nothing! So she takes her free coffee and traipses another 40km to this inn, which is… a dump. But I have to say, it was a very manageable dump? It was really just a very nice old house with a lot of leaves on the roof and some trash in the yard.
LOUIS: And it came with a free fucking car! Surely whoever scammed her into this situation could’ve just sold it off, the land alone would be worth a pretty penny no?
MEL: Right!? The car killed me – what free inn comes fully furnished with period pieces, and a free fucking 4WD? Unheard of. So much suspended disbelief needed for this film. Anyway, Gabz is like “well fuck” and then the doorbell rings – it’s bitchy local Charlotte, who runs the only b&b in town. She’s come for a bit of a Nosey Parker time, and is happy to see the inn is trash.
LOUIS: Charlotte was 100% stalking her, that timing was alarmingly perfect. And honestly, if this movie went down a stalker-slasher thriller route I would’ve been stoked. But yeah she’s pretty chuffed, and then she just…fucks off? Leaving ol’ mate Gabz to start figuring out her next move.
MEL: And her next move is to just GO TO SLEEP in this asbestos-riddled mess of a building. I was also obsessed with the bit where she’s cold because she’s in fucking NZ in a t-shirt, so she closes the window but it has a hole in it, and her next thought is, “Instead of putting a jumper on, I’ll start a fire in the 400-year-old fireplace”. Which of course is blocked. Just put on a jumper, for crying out loud!
LOUIS: I was mightily impressed with her efforts to stay in an inn even she believes is haunted. She did start talking to a painting of the previous inn owner very quickly too. Chatting with a ‘ghost’ when you’re by yourself in a new country is a red flag to me.
MEL: That is a sign of mental instability, for sure. As is, I feel, her obsession with fixing the kitchen tap over say, the rotting stairs and broken windows? I just think the tap could have waited in the priority list a little longer. But it did give her the opportunity to head to the local hardware store and run into Jake again for some death stares and sass time.
LOUIS: And to give the store clerk the nickname Norm. As if a 50+-year-old man named Norman had never once heard that nickname in his life, and got so excited about his new name that he started running a tab for Gabz so she could buy thousands of dollars worth of shit without paying upfront? My god this is a friendly town.
MEL: Ridiculous plot moment – no one who runs a small hardware store is out here giving 90-dab payment plans to new Americans with temporary visas, he would have gone bankrupt. I was obsessed with the bit where she asks for the number of the “local renovator” and it turns out to be Jake, and then she vehemently cancels her request and runs away. WHY DOES SHE HATE HIM SO MUCH?? This is the question I most need to be answered from this film.
LOUIS: I know it’s bizarre! Also classic stitch-up on Norm’s behalf, talking about the renovator like he wasn’t right behind her. “Oh, actually Jake who’s just behind you is our best renovator, perhaps you could talk to him” – a normal person.
MEL: So then Gabz meets other weird locals like the disaster of a library lady, and after buying recycled tiles and some other shit she REALLY doesn’t need until she fixes the goddamn rotting stairs and railings and broken windows, her next step is to…. buy flowers? Doll you need to rip up the entire garden and ship mountains of trash out of it before you can even consider planting anything, and did I not MENTION THE BROKEN FUCKING WINDOWS??
LOUIS: Look, there’s no denying her priorities are insanely scattered but maybe she’s like me – would rather ignore the major problems in my life and focus on the little things that are piss-easy to do. It’s a system. Not saying it’s the best system but here we are.
MEL: Good point. Anyway this is where I vagued out a bit because as much as I love this romantic version of Changing Rooms, I also don’t entirely care about all this renovating life admin, you know? Next thing I know she’s eating a luxe lunch with her archnemesis Jake for some reason. Turns out she * had * to sit with him bc the cafe was full of footy fans? Seems fake but ok.
LOUIS: Oh fuck okay I vagued out during this part too and I was hoping you’d cover me, ah well. Yeah so in a nutshell, through a series of convenient events, they get to know each other and Jake agrees to fix her house and become her business partner in the space of….10 minutes? Efficient, I like that.
MEL: Yeah it seems some avo on toast is all it takes to get past the incendiary hate these two had for each other, who knew. Then it’s all renovation rescue for a bit, and suddenly these love letters are discovered in the wall! This is where I would absolutely nope out of the whole reno, to be honest. I just think things stuffed in the walls never stop at letters – there’s a body in there, I’m sure of it.
LOUIS: Those love letters piqued my interest again though, I was fading but that jolted me back (for better or worse).
MEL: Look they did nothing for me but I’m glad they woke you out of your boredom nap. The next thing I recall is Jake and Gabz doing sexy grout-work. Who knew grouting could be sexually charged?
LOUIS: Personally, I feel that renovating a house with 1.5 people would almost always lead to divorce/break-ups/murder/disposal-of-bodies but I mean, these two hated each other for simply breathing so maybe they do things differently. What. The. Fuck. Happens. Next? Oh right right, so stalker Charlotte comes back into the picture and realises things are going swimmingly and she might not get her stalkery mitts on the inn after all, so she completely ditches her moral compass and tries to ruin Gab’s life like any rational person would do.
MEL: I completely forgot about that, but I DID remember we got a very clear and unnecessary shot of Gabz’s greywater recycling tank. I learnt far too much about water recycling for a film that was meant to be about two renovators fucking.
LOUIS: If Falling Inn Love was sponsored by Greywater Inc. I wouldn’t be surprised.
MEL: OMG and who can forget the bonding rap moment in the car? Nothing more painful to watch exists, I’m sure of it.
LOUIS: The car scene was just another reminder that the producers have no idea how normal people talk to one another. I also just remembered we’re yet to talk about the goat subplot and frankly I don’t want to, that goat sucked.
MEL: Agree lets simply not mention the stupid goat, no normal person just allows a goat to wander the halls of their house if they’re so scared of it they fall over whenever it appears. Speaking of falling, the most dramatic moment in this film was when a rope fell on Gabz, leading to her falling through rotting railings and almost IMPALING HERSELF ON A WOODEN STAKE!? Really, really aggressive moment. Luckily Jake saved her and they accidentally dry-humped. Phew.
LOUIS: Alternate ending: Gabz impales herself and in her last gasping breath, looks straight into the camera and explains that renovating an entire inn with 1.5 people is not feasible. I just don’t want viewers to think that they have to ignore OHS to find a cute boy, you know?
MEL: A great alternate ending. So this starts off their love story, and Jake takes Gabz on a “tramping” trip or some shit, which is a glorified picnic. Somehow, he manages to keep a tub of Hokey Pokey ice cream frozen for the length of the tramp, which is insanely unrealistic.
LOUIS: The ice cream! “Hey here’s a spoon for your sweetened milk soup Gabz, welcome to NZ”.
MEL: They kiss, it’s cute, boring. Also, they go swimming which I’m fairly sure is not done in NZ on account of sub-zero water temps, and also Gabz wears the most heinous 2005 fedora of all time, which was absolutely a Christina Milian wardrobe special.
LOUIS: The movie immediately loses half a point for that godawful fedora. I thought they were illegal in 45 countries? You’re also not wrong about the water temps, but then how else could Jake get his rig out?
MEL: I feel like nothing of interest happens after that date. They have some fight because Gabz DARES to consider going back to America for a cushy business job, which seems incredibly wise since she’s on a temporary visa. Then they finish off the renos in record time, with a billion dollars Gabz doesn’t have. Norm definitely went bankrupt after this.
LOUIS: I would 100% watch a spinoff about Norm living in poverty because some clueless asshole swooped into his little town and inadvertently robbed him for all he’s worth. So wait, they’ve already had the fight when Charlotte’s plan springs into action right? (For those playing at home, Charlotte sent Gabz’s ex a text off her own phone asking him to come to NZ to fight for her).
MEL: Yes – Charlotte, whose plan bored me to tears, is trying to sabotage Gabz’s life by texting her ex (how would Gab not SEE the text she didn’t send later when she was texting someone else??? Terrible plan) so in comes douchey ex boyfriend with a buyer for the house or something, I lost interest here entirely.
LOUIS: In a nutshell – the ex is amped coz he thinks that if Gabz gets rich, he gets rich (is this man high? they aren’t even together nor are they married), so he’s keen for her to sell the house but then Gabz is all, “You know what, this is my dream house. I ain’t selling shit, rack off buyer or I’ll put my Italian leather-clad high heel through your neck.” Obviously I ad-libbed there, I was just trying to make Falling Inn Love sound more exciting.
MEL: I like this version. Then out of nowhere (??? was this explained?) a raging fire starts in Charlotte’s B&B. The entire town is in the fire department so Jake and co whoosh off to shoot water in the air, which seems very pointless. Did no one train these people?
LOUIS: Apparently becoming a volunteer firefighter in this town doesn’t come with many hurdles. Pretty sure I saw a two-year-old going all Little Rascals on the house fire, too. I also don’t think it was explained, so let’s just say that Jake is a secret arsonist and plotted to kill Charlotte by sneaking off and burning down her inn with her inside. Jake, you nawty boy.
MEL: You nawty sexy boy, Jake.
LOUIS: I was expecting a bit more of a dramatic ending as well to be honest, but all that really happens is that Jake writes Gabz an absolutely atrocious love letter that made my ass clench when she read it out loud, then they agree to live in the inn as….lovers? Are they planning to operate it as a B&B? How else will they have an income if they don’t? Are they setting it up for a sequel? Falling Inn Love 2? Do I care?
MEL: Does the goat just get to roam free and scare the bejeezus out of everyone? Was the ghost real? Is Norm bankrupt? I have a lot of questions but I absolutely know I don’t care. Good riddance to that terrible film.
