How To Mislead Friends & Alienate Strangers By Pretending You’re Hot Shit

faking it

Whoever coined the phrase “fake it til’ you make it” was an actual genius.

We all know this acting-like-an-adult thang can be bullshit, and, let’s be honest, we’re all winging it half the time.

As for those put-together people you see hustling around the CBD looking like they damn-well own the place? Yeah, they’re winging it too. But YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON, and we’re gonna show you how. Strap yourself in for total domination, kids.


Technology is no longer just for the smart chaps, you guys. ‘Cause our phones have become our lives, it’s a phenom time to grab that nerd stereotype by the balls and to your advantage.

Have your virtual calendar on point, so that when your friends or coworkers ask if you’re free for drinks on Friday you can chuck the ol’ “Let me check my schedule” like the BOSS you’re pretending to be.

Those Bluetooth headsets you see those 9-5’ers reppin’ on the commute home are also an investment worth making. You’ll look superior compared to the minions around you warming up their right cheek with phone radiation.

Them portable phone chargers will make you look you’re always on the go too, ’cause power points and sitting still? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.


Literally no one’s going to believe that you’ve got your shit together if you look like a hot mess every day. Brush your hair. Tuck in your shirt. Iron your clothes. Groom yo’self.

Extra points if you wear a power suit and “prescription” glasses (fake or legit – we don’t mind) to really amp up the brainy factor. This wont just make you look like you have your shit together, it can actually make you get your shit together too.

A study called “Enclothed Cognition” in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology showcased how attire can systematically influence your behaviour. Participants wearing lab coats, which as y’may know is associated with attentiveness and carefulness, showed increased selective attention. What are specs and suits associated it with, kids? Purchase accordingly.


Time to face it – wearing activewear makes you look like you’ve got your shit sorted out. If you’ve got the time/energy/motivation to squeeze in a gym sesh instead of asking, “Who’s Jim and why are we going to his place?”, you’re automatically winning at life.

While it’s good to get on the treadmill (’cause health and fitness and all that), no one’s actually going to know if you rocked up for that spin class you claimed to be at. Unless busybody across the desk smashes you with 21 questions about what time you went, who you saw etc – in that case you’ll look like an absolute douche.

If you’d rather not deck yo’self out in Lorna Jane and ooze all those ~move, nourish, believe ~ vibes, wearing trainers with your work attire will have you looking head honcho. If you’re the kind of person that legit has to exercise on the way to work ’cause you’re so time poor, you’re also the kind of person that people want to know – which is kinda irrelevant ’cause you ain’t got no time to be socialising.


Walking super fkn fast around people is a total mindscrew, ’cause they’re instantly tricked into thinking you’ve got 1,000 places to be today even though you’re probs rushing home for a standard mid-week Netflix binge.

Same thing can be said for just faking you’re busy at work in general, even when you ain’t. Stand hunched over your desk like you’ve gotta answer that email all quick-like before taking a whiz and always say crap like “gimme two secs” when someone needs yo’ in-demand attention. You’ll probs make people feel anxious AF but s’all g.


The best hustlers in life need constant pick-me-ups throughout the day, but erry Tom, Dick and Harry floats about town with a coffee cup – you could even say it’s *gasp* MAINSTREAM.

Besides, your busy status means you’ve got no time to wait in line (for coff-ay or otherwise). Let alone tell the barista your name, which they’ll probably spell wrong on the cup anyway, and then there’s an estimated 85% chance they’ll mess up your order too. Gears grinded. WAY TO FKN START YOUR DAY, amirite?

Grab something handheld so you can eat while you’re en route to your thousands of commitments. Sushi, a wrap, even muffins and focaccias – just steer well clear of anything with cutlery. Silverware is for people with time, not YOU and yo’ busy self.

Go forth, life-winners.