Everything And Nothing We Learned About Miranda Kerr From Last Night’s Televised Kerr Family Fame Intervention

Last night’s episode of Family Confidential “was made without the endorsement or participation of Miranda Kerr“, the multi-million dollar business, woman, whose considerable fame, beauty and je ne sais quoi provided the ostensible reason for the ABC airing a documentary-style, light entertainment program masquerading as a thinly-veiled product endorsement opportunity for mother Therese Kerr’s skincare line. It was also a fame intervention, a desperate outreaching of sorts for an estranged daughter whose considerable fame, beauty and je ne sais quoi have created an effervescent, absent monster out of Gunnedah’s most bankable asset. 

Like an expended tube of KORA Rejuvenating Foot Balm™ teaming with Noni Extract and Essential Fatty Acids, here are a few key insights extracted from the congealed corners of Family Confidential: The Kerrs.
From the start of the program, an omniscient narrator espoused the Kerrs’ down-to-earth country values. A simple-minded family of hard-working country folk, the Kerr’s were painted throughout as a clan who have paid “a high cost” for their daughter’s success; “left behind” in Australia, doing it tough and appearing on a nationally-televised show which has garnered international headlines. Tough gig. Cute kids too, keen on the dungarees.
Fun fact: Miranda was born in a pub, apparently. “Crazy, huh?” reflected parents John and Therese, whose mother was a publican who died at age fifty, halfway through knitting a pair of booties for Miranda. Lil’ baby Kerr arrived six weeks premature due to her mother’s trauma and grief. In case you didn’t quite grasp the gravity of that sad story, Therese then uncomfortably visited her mother’s grave and placed a solitary rose on her tombstone; her sobs amplified above the ambient noise of the restless dead and the director’s instructions.
Therese occupied a substantial amount of screen time in her daughter’s wilful absence, steering the narrative in the direction of her karmic, entrepreneurial ambitions. Once acting as Miranda’s momager since winning the Dolly Model Search at the tender age of tween, Therese offered the following – slightly passive aggressive – soundbite concerning the estranged daughter whose career she no longer guides: “The day you think you’re better than anybody else will be the day you don’t model under our guidance.”

Miranda at age thirteen also told Tracy Grimshaw, “I won’t be doing any lingerie shots or anything like that.” *Smash cut to Victoria’s Secret montage.* 

Cool story: Miranda’s parents invested their life savings into the dealings of her erstwhile boyfriend Adrian Camilleri, who later went to jail for financial fraud with a $20 million debt. “We lost most of our money [$850,000],” reflected a Kerr family member I didn’t bother to accredit that line to, because – with respect – it was pretty boring. 

Also inspired by her mother’s brush with spleen cancer and being poors, Kerr Inc. started KORA Organics and recruited her mother, brother and aunt as “the driving forces” behind the company. Therese has since been shafted from her position as managing director and started a rival skincare company, Divine by Therese Kerr; brother Matt however maintains he has found his calling at KORA: “People get excited to see me. I’m just Matt. I’m not famous. If people told me two years ago I’d be leading forums in front of 150 people I would think they were crazy.”

The first time gigantic baby Flynn met his great-grandparents was during a staged television event on Channel 7, which I think speaks untold depths about Miranda’s managerial parenting style. That face tho *bites fist*.


Another expertly staged scene featured Therese Kerr plaintively texting Miranda in her comfy house socks. It was très bizarre.

Miranda is, evidently, really bad at texting back; also, the family haven’t sat down to a meal together in over a year.
If this penultimate snapshot were an emoticon summarising the whole episode and embodying Miranda’s refusal to participate in it, it would have to be :/
In conclusion, Flynn still makes me want to punch myself in the face.