The 2014 Emmys are over, I guess. I don’t know for sure because I’ve been downloading images all day. You’ll see.
Herewith, the best and less best dressed from The 66th Annual Emmys Red Carpet, where shades of orange are the new black and we saw conclusive proof that when you play the game of gowns, you win or you #literally die.
Where possible, I’ve tried to organise this red carpet foremost by the shows represented by each actor; failing that, guests have then been sorted by their nominated categories; failing that, hair colour; failing that, number and type of sex chromosome.
Failing that, deal with it.
Laverne Cox looks terrific and (admittedly) perfectly poised to lose to her deserving co-star Uzo Aduba in custom Marc Bouwer.
Yael Stone eschewed going the full Jessica Simpson and instead opted for something a little more Rihanna. It’s pretty busy – like a Baroque lounge and dining set – but whatever; get it Yael, get it for ‘Straya.
Taryn Manning looks like an art deco Sacred Heart. Still, I admire her red hot go at red carpet ~G.L.A.M.O.U.R.~
Never forget, tho:
I don’t love the length nor the bustle hem on Natasha Lyonne’s custom Opening Ceremony, but I would like to extend an open invitation to her to meet me on the DF in approx. ten.
Taylor Shilling in Zuhair Murad is the couture equivalent of Piper Kerman: pretty and kinda vanilla, but capable of inflicting real harm after fashioning a rudimentary shiv out of ten tonnes of beading and double sided tape.
Uzo Aduba: consistently stoked at her ability to nail the red carpet, consistently charming.
Got that new ‘do, boo!
That’s a shankin’.
My, my, my. Who exhumed and reanimated the corpse of Errol Flynn using devilishly handsome black magic? Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series, Bryan Cranston looks the definition rakish and exceedingly awesome.
Congratulations to Anna Gunn, who endured years of Haters and has come out the other side with hair I’d like to have on my head and/or my dog, thanksss byeee.
She’s wearing Jenny Packham, ICYMI, and she won the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. ~Kudos, bb.~
Oh, Marie.
Carrie Brownstein is glowing, and she looks really great accessorised with her dear friend, Fred Armisan. Both of them, blessed. 
Kate McKinnon practicing her snub face is almost as good as her Angela Merkel impression, and that’s really quite ***Flawless. I like the cut of her jibe.
Your Best Friend looks like a wonderfully sassy time in Theia.
Kristen Wiig in très sexual Vera Wang is a chill situation and one that I wholeheartedly endorse.
I really like Lena Dunham’s new bob – it’s a much needed refresher – and the fact that millefeuille tulle of her Giambattista Valli Couture ombré skirt is more and more hypnotic the longer you stare into it.
That said, I’m going to make a very hard pass on what’s happening up top.
Allison Williams is also in Giambattisa Valli and looks like the classy beneficiary of nepotism that she is. A+, Princess.
I must be getting over these things because for once I’m really very fond of Claire Dunphy’s time lapse Peter Som halter. Plus, cool hair and jewels – this might be my favourite #stronglook.
Kudos to Ariel Winter for choosing a two piece evening gown from Black Halo in favour of her usual option: uncomfortable amounts of boob shelf for a tween.
JAJAJA Roberto Cavalli.
Sarah Hyland’s minimalist maximal coral ensemble is… what it is, I guess. *Phones that one in*
I like Christina Hendricks‘ vibe?
Did someone order a side of DRAMA? January Jones looks spectacular in Prabal Gurung. It’s a royal shame those bangs are more of a whimper.
Jessica Paré’s black on black on black Lanvin/Louboutin combination is more convincing than any Mad Men forum theory that her character’s headed for an early grave. I love her.
Sweet heavens, Bobby Draper got ample trill swag, yo.
Kiernan Shipka is who I want to be when I grow up. She’s wearing Antonio Berardi. She’s 14.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama, Juliana Marguiles, is nothing short of sublime poured into pewter Narcisso Rodriguez.
Shout out to Michelle Dockery for choosing a ‘fashion forward’ Rosie Assoulin gown that somehow manages to be both safe, unassuming and a little daring, like the overwhelming majority of British programming.
Kerry Washington almost looks chic as balls in all Prada everything.
Rooney, where are you, girl? Kate Mara is fast becoming the Rooney more people with eyes prefer, due to the gradual erosion of free will from constant exposure to her.
Kate once again defers to old mate J. Mendel and the shoes she borrowed last year from a stripper named Destiny.
Initiate adoption/threesome plan of attack. Great Danes wears Givenchy.
There’s a lot to be said of Sarah Paulson’s Armani Privé situation, ‘Ten points for trying something different’ being one of them. Look, it’s a lotta look but she pulls it off because, frankly, what does any of this matter in the scheme of things?
How Zooey Deschanel consistently manages to just fall short of the brief escapes me. She’s wearing a fine enough neon fuchsia Oscar de la Renta column and your scalp, aged sweet sixteen.
No, you stop it. Really. Stop it.
My king, meet my tailor.
I really like Michelle Monaghan’s gold-accented, full cream Giambattista Valli Couture gown with a crotch-grazing slit, even if it took me a good twenty seconds to remember her name :/
Your next Bond.
Kevin MF Spacey, of course, wearing tails, white tie, a fob chain and a waistcoat and wielding a cane like only Kevin Spacey can.
Julia Roberts bucked the trend for floor-length everything and opted instead for leggy, very odd Elie Saab Ice Dancer Haute Couture.
Katherine Heigl wears the flayed skin suit of her identical twin: shiny, uncomfortable and just really very beige. That, or Helen Mirren wants her sexiest nightie back.
Not sure why she’s here (The Voice, I guess?) but Gwen Stefani is well and truly on her way to morphing into phase two Donatella.
She’s slaying in Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace.
Outstanding Actress in any series, Julia Louis Dreyfus is a phenomenon in Carolina Herrera.
Again, in like Flynn, this guy.
Anna Chlumsky, a picture of serenity in Zac Posen.
Lizzy Caplan looks as close as you can get to perfect in a chic neenish tart by Donna Karan. Would participate in her ‘study’, if you know what I’m saying *winks gratuitously*. That one goes out to everyone still watching Masters of Sex.
Also *would* party with Sarah Silverman, who looks like a great time to be alive in regal Marni of a colour perfectly matched with her liberal THC buzz.
Saucy.
Poor, sweet Rose Leslie. Those are the arms of a Scott in the midst of a Californian summer and the expression of someone with an underwhelming stylist in need of a good firin’.
You know nothing else to say about Jon Snow, Me.
Cersei Lannister looks poised to cut a bitch in Rubin Singer the colour of her heart paired with the haircut I had between the ages of 16 – 20.
Natalie Dormer deserves an award for the best Skrillex cut grow out of all time. Her Jaffa flavoured J. Mendel is a equal parts safe, sxc and event appropriate.
That’ll do, buddy.
Photos by Frazer Harrison, Jason Merritt via Getty
