When I was a kid I remember begging my parents to get me the #1 shit-hot toy for Christmas (or my birthday, whatever it was) and that was the first-generation Furby. The fluffy adorable thing that would later turn out to be a spawn birthed straight from the seventh circle of hell, gifted to Earth to do naught but annoy the ever-living shit out of everyone it came into contact with. I regret to inform you that as we hurtle towards the prime present-giving time of the year, the next generation of Furby-adjacent creatures has arrived, and its name is Rizmo.

Rizmo is being hailed as the “hottest toy” for this year’s Christmas season, so cue probably thousands of frantic parents trying to buy the demonic transforming fluffball between now and December 24.

It starts off looking like a fluffy egg with little light-up eyes, and as you sing to it (???), cradle and rock it like a baby, and generally make noise around it, it evolves into its second phase: Egg With Tail.

rizmo cursed toy
Behold: Egg With Tail

From Egg With Tail, you continue to care for it and give it all your undivided attention, probable blood pact, and promise of your first-born child and Egg With Tail evolves again into the fully-fledged Rizmo.

Which kinda looks like an off-brand, bootleg Furby. Or if a Furby and a Gremlin had a baby.

Look at this thing.

rizmo cursed toy
Jesus Christ on a bike.

Considering the Furby that I was eventually given as a present for whatever gift-giving event it was ended up being thrown at the wall in the middle of the night because it would not shut the fuck up, I can’t imagine I’d do well with a responsive toy that not only talks to me, but I have to sing at it.

Apparently though if you leave it to its own devices, it farts and then laughs at its own farts, so maybe we have more in common than I first thought.

So if you’re wanting to annoy the shit out of your friends/siblings with kids, Rizmo is your go-to Chrissy present for your nieces, nephews, godchildren, and/or anyone between the ages 4 and 10. Give ’em a bunch of extra batteries too, just to really make that thing last forever.

Please do not give me one of these, if only because I can assure you it’ll end up tossed out my lounge room window within a week.