Even If You Could, Would You With The Golden Globes Red Carpet?


This is almost certainly the longest red carpet – physically, spiritually, sexually – that I’ve ever undertaken (perhaps except for this one), so this right here is as much of an introduction as you’re going to get. 
This is what everyone in Los Angeles wore on set during the final day of principle photography for Entourage: The Movie
FKA, The 72nd Annual Golden Globes.

Rosamund Pike seems like a sweet and lovely gal and was almost certainly the best thing about an otherwise lacklustre adaptation of Gone Girl besides the score – sue me, David. Sue me. 

However, the bust on this Vera Wang situation is making for some ill-fitting, pancaked boob trompe-l’oeil madness and I’m no longer able to deal with it. 
It is, for wont of a better word, no bueno. That, and it just reminds me too much of this, and that makes me genuinely sad. Next!
Alert, squinty eyed sexual smize alert. Michelle Monaghan is having a metallic Jason Wu moment.
Q.U.E.E.N. [in a fabulous, albeit frankly terrible dress].
J/k, here’s The Real Queen
It’s your girl Ella, a teen, in custom Narciso Rodriguez and I’m crying.
Fashion Police returns to E! tomorrow without Joan Rivers (R.I.P.) and with Kathy Griffin and that insufferable pastel velvet blazer Brad Goreski – a twofold travesty rivalled only by Kelly Osbourne’s decade-long insistence on lavender mohawks.
Is Laura Prepon – Ruby Rose’s new sex nemesis – still a Scientologist? 

Red Carpet verdict pending until we receive confirmation from Xenu, to whom we’ve reached out for comment. We’ll no doubt be waiting a while, because Xenu isn’t real. 
I wouldn’t look so smug if I were you, Priscilla Presley
Naomi Watts is a sliver of pure golden sunlight in Gucci, paired with a Bulgari neck snake. Her boo, Liev Schrieber, at left, cares not to mug for neither you nor the camera in Prada and that’s okay.
R.I.P. Me! I’m dead!
In custom Narciso Rodriguez, Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks every dollar the French commodities and shipping conglomerate heiress that she actually is. 

I love rich people. I can smell her from here.
*Heavy nostril inhalation intensifies.* 

Here’s Pacey and Diane Kruger, both in Emilia WicksteadKidding. That’s clearly a men’s tuxedo and idk who made it, but they’re heaven all the same.
Get it? You got it, right? That’s Dakota Johnson in fifty shades of silver Chanel Haute Couture and I still refuse to get on board with her. Something’s gotta give, Johnson, and it isn’t going to be me. 
If this whole acting thing doesn’t work out for Jamie Dornan he should really consider a career in having his photo taken for a living. 

It’s cute that Lena Dunham gets to wear dresses designed by her erstwhile babysitter Zac Posen to Glamorous Red Carpet Events, but that fun fact – which you’re welcome to borrow next time you’re talking about how much you love Not That Kind Of Girl at brunch – shouldn’t distract from the fact that the seam on the waist on this red satin number is making more bucks than she is [so many bucks]. 
Not that any of this matters. Nothing matters!
Who said HBO was the only home of quality DRAAAAAMA on a Sunday night when you have Jemima Kirke in a glorious Rosie Assoulin cape – a timely reminder that Jessa is the most/least sufferable of the titular Girls
For your consideration, here’s Zosia Mamet and an unidentified friend in Andrew Gn. Is it pink? Is it grey? How do I know the colours I see are the same colours you see? All I know is that they’re there, sure.
Isn’t Allison Williams a SFW vision ensconced in beaded, tiered Armani Privé? Yes, yes she is.

Meanwhile, in the same time slot on HBO: vicious salad tossing. And I don’t mean ‘salad tossing’ of the luncheon kind if you know what I’m saying! 😉
I’m talking about *analingus*[Not sure of the exact spelling but I don’t want to Google the correct spelling for clarification because I’m at work.]  
Yes, you’re right: this does seem like exactly the kind of thing Emily Blunt would wear to a red carpet event. It’s custom Michael Kors. It’s fine. It’s pure. She’s very beautiful. Have a great day.
Julianne Moore, still heaven in custom Givenchy Haute Couture avec Chopard ice. Still Alice, still everything.
Amy wears her old m8 Stella McCartney; Tina is breaking my heart. 
She’s wearing Antonio Beradi and we need to find the person or people responsible for these consistently underwhelming – and clearly gravely important – red carpet blunders. Whoever they are, they’re doing her genius a great disservice and must be stopped. 
Jessica Chastain has been taking styling cues from 1989/1989. She’s wearing a bronze Atelier Versace halter that looks like the fifth dimension scene in Interstellar, all the while running the Piaget jewels and pulling off Taylor Swift’s flayed scalp with aplomb.
Katherine Heigl is still invited to things?
Felicity Jones in teal Dior is giving me regal King and I realness and I wish her all the best with the rest of awards season. What a gem.
Bonjour, amateurs! At 69, Helen Mirren is a Mirren-cle (*shoots self*) in Dolce & Gabbana that will prompt you to reevaluate your superannuation goals. 
lol 69. 
Poor, sad Amy Adams, always a bridesmaid in Atelier Versace and now with a sopping wet train. 
Get it together, Amy Adams’ handlers. Get it together, everyone.
Taylor Schilling looks so fresh, so clean and so petrified in custom Ralph Lauren and the pencilled-on features of a popularly acclaimed street mime. Très expressive.
Someone’s getting fired from Madame Tussauds Hollywood because Anna Kendrick’s wax likeness has gone missing for a few hours, only to have it turn up on the Golden Globes red carpet in this lifeless Monique Lhuillier crisis.
 
Behati Prinsloo opts to pair her shiny Kaufmanfranco with the most punchable/pashable face in music. 
Even if I could, I wouldn’t.
*Olivia Pope voice* 
We need to tell the story our way. We’ve got a hero, we’ve got a victim, now we just need to finish the job and give the press their villain. We’re digging up good old-fashioned dirt everyone. The more the better. 

Quinn, check out her red carpet history: we’re looking for any history of sabotage. 

Abby, talk to Kerry’s people, maybe one of them hated their boss. 

Let’s move quickly, people, we want to lock this down. Give the media a nice clean narrative, then let them do the work for us. We need to make sure everyone forgets Kerry Washington ever wore this custom Mary Katrantzou gown with its beyond questionable hemline.

On my first take, I almost literally died at sight of Keira Knightley and Klaxon Knightley in custom Chanel maternity wear. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever.
Then I enlarged the image and noticed the butterfly corsage and fly fishing motif before forcibly removing my eyeballs from their sockets with a rusty spoon and then eating them with a side of my words. 
It’s a shame about the belt. That, and the fact that someone obviously didn’t blow dry the fucking red carpet. I mean, this is AWARDS SEASON. Show some fucking RESPECT. Are you people INSANE?
Anway, I digress. Subway buddies Kevin Spacey and Kate Mara are there and she’s in Miu Miu.
[Maggie wears Miu Miu too]
A single mom from The Bronx steps out in Zuhair Murad Couture, for tonight is ladies night, ay mamis.
I almost deleted this photo of Kate Beckinsale because this whole thing is getting so tl;dr and honestly she’s just so boring. She’s wearing Elie Saab. Send me a fax if you disagree.
I read on Twitter that Melissa McCarthy is wearing custom Melissa McCarthy and that’s just about the most interesting thing about the Golden Globes this year or ever. On doing my due diligence as a Walkley-snubbed serious journalist, I found out that it’s actually just two separate items of clothing that she already had in her closet. Go figure!
Heavenly Claire Danes in heavily twee Valentino is everything you’ve ever wanted to Pin and then some.
Salma Hayek Pinault is married to François-Henri Pinault, the CEO of the Kering luxury group – a subsidiary of which includes the label that made this gown, Alexander McQueen. Frankly, that’s all I really feel like saying about this Polly Pocket Dream Princess™ Lewk. 
Less is more, FFS, Salma.
This is very sexually aggressive, Heidi, even by your and Atelier Versace’s intensive standards.
He’s in Dolce & Gabbana; she’s in Carolina Herrera; I need to towel off. 
Nothing but shimmering Calvin Klein Collection for an American citizen nonpareil and Delta Gamma social chair three years running, Tracy Flick
If there’s one Nicki Minaj lyric that perfect sums up Emma Stone’s Lanvin jumpsuit – and the possibilities there are endless – it’s almost certainly: “I’ll be back at 11, you just act like a peasant/Got a bow on my panties because my ass is a present.” 
In other words, yassss.
The Clooneys make their society debut twenty years too late. 
Another violently sexy Atelier Versace bejewelled ribcage for Kate Hudson, a working actress [?] I guess. You go, Kate Hudson.
My king, her man and his queen in very chill Dolce & Gabanna (no doubt) and Monique Lhuillier respectively.
Trawling through thousands of Getty images today, at first I was like, ‘Maybe I have prosopagnosia‘:
But then I realised it was something much worse. 
I have since been (self-diagnosed) with an untreatable case of prosopagnosienna miller
This person – beautiful, no doubt; talented, I guess, but also eminently forgettable – is wearing Miu Miu. Who are we talking about again?
Rachel getting married, Rachel drawing critical acclaim for her work as actress in Saint Laurent. Could she *be* any more radiant?
I’ll never be this happy.
We’ll never look this pretty.
Imagine if this was your face!!!!!!!!! I can’t. Byeeee.
Every last one of these godforsaken images was photographed by Jason Merritt and Frazer Harrison via Getty Images. 

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