After a joke post on Twitter, I unwittingly became a mistress to a man who called me his Goddess and sent money to my PayPal.
Disclaimer: Before I get into any of this, I’d like to acknowledge that being a Dominatrix is sex work, and sex work is absolutely real work. I’m by no means the voice the sex worker community needs or deserves right now, and I can only speak to my own experience – which is what this article is about.
Manifesting is the art (yes I am an artist) of telling the universe what you want, and basically if your energy has a good enough vibe, the universe will deliver. I know what you’re thinking, and yes I did learn this on Oprah’s podcast. I used to think manifesting might be bullshit, like once I bought my friend some chocolate mini easter eggs and she said “Ooh! I manifested these”.
It’s like, you actually didn’t though did you? Because I bought you the mini eggs as a treat didn’t I? I paid for the mini eggs, did the universe pay for the mini eggs? No. But skepticism has never stopped me from trying any dumb new age thing, so I figure what’s the harm in putting it to the universe that I would really really like some money please, but as the Pussycat Dolls famously said: “Be careful what you wish for, ‘cause you just might get it.”
Modern philosopher, polymath, and spiritual leader Nicole Scherzinger
I wanted some extra cash because I’m in an exciting phase of my career where my income is still what my accountant calls “in the lowest possible tax bracket”.
So that is to say I’m fine, but when I got a parking ticket for staying in a 2P fourteen minutes too long (can I live?), I was rattled.
The next logical step was to tweet a photo of my ticket in order to garner sympathy because as a millennial, attention on the internet is vital to my wellbeing.
I have since deleted this tweet because it had my car details visible and would you believe it? I’ve heard it might be unsafe to put these things online
So now we can get into the juicy dirty meat of the article, what you all came here for – what the hell is a pay pig? A pay pig is another way of describing a sub who is into financial domination, or ‘findom’. Findom comes under the BDSM umbrella, and involves a submissive party who gets off on giving money to a dominant. So why did I, a sweet pure little angel know about findom? I’ve known about findom for a while because it’s one of those seems-too-good-to-be-true kinds of sex work that is frequently the topic of silly little articles like this one. Along with stuff like selling panties or doing phone sex, findom seems this kind of detached, “easy” type of sex work that doesn’t really feel like what people think of when they hear the words ‘sex work’. And surprise surprise, it’s actually not easy, and totally not a good get rich quick scheme.
Even though I was joking when I tweeted the parking ticket out, as they say “all jokes have a foundation of truth”. I definitely hoped that on some level that maybe, just maybe, a thirsty little reply guy might pay it for me. And then it happened. I got that fateful reply – “Meee please”.
I didn’t recognise the username so I clicked and looked at his profile and saw it was littered with findom retweets and his replies to Dommes (female dominant) begging to let him pay for their coffee or acrylic nails. It seemed too good to be true. He’s horny for paying for things, I have so much that needs to be paid for. It’s a perfect match, so I DMed him.
“Do you think you can be my worthless little cash pig?” I sent, hopeful but skeptical all at once. He replied almost instantly – “Yes Goddess”. This is it, this is happening. I shot back my paypal link immediately and demanded that he send the money at once. “Pathetic. Round it up to $200. Send it now pig.”
Wow this is coming very naturally to me, could it be that I’m a natural Domme? Maybe this is my calling in life? Destiny is real and I’m finally living my truth.
Piggy replied: “Goddess 🙁 can I send some of it :(“
“Ugh” I say, out loud and also in the chat.
“I’m not a rich paypig but I’ll do my best I’m so sorry.”
Ok so now I feel bad??? I simply wanted to be rude to a man and have him give me money for that privilege but now he has forced me to consider his humanity. I can’t help it, I have a heart after all – I am a Pisces. Mercifully, I ask him “What can you send me today”, he responds “$50 Goddess”.
Lying in bed wearing my pyjamas while scrolling on my phone and eating carrot sticks with hummus, I stop myself from being disappointed that this pig won’t cop my full $114 fine, and take pause to appreciate that this will still be a pretty easy $50.
“Fine. And if you’re a good piggy, you will send more later,” I graciously reply.
My phone vibrates, I get a text message from PayPal. Fuck.
“You’ve received $50AUD from <piggys full legal name>”
I can’t believe it. I burst out of my room and run down the hall to my housemate. I can’t believe it’s happened. She can’t believe it’s happened. In all the commotion, my other housemates wake up and come to see what the fuss is about. Come one come all!
For I am a Goddess and I just earned the best $50 I ever will. I regale them with my tale of manipulation and domination, I show them my paypal account on my phone. Fifty real dollars girls, you best believe I’m going to buy a nice loaf of sourdough tomorrow.
I’m eating well sisters, let me break the bread with you all and share in the fruits of my labor. I earned this loaf, this leavened gold. Taste it, taste the soft sweet success.
One of my housemates notes that I look changed. I’m popping my hip to the side when I’m showing her the messages. I’m powerful… I’m goddess. Another housemate spoils the fun by pointing out that because this guy found me on twitter, he has my full legal name and can easily find out where I will be because my touring schedule and gigs are all online. Hush please. Just let me bask in this $50 without considering exactly what else it might cost me. Give me one perfect night Rebecca, please grant me at least tonight.
The next day, he messaged again. I demanded $20 and he sent it straight away. He said he skipped his cafe breakfast so he could pay me more, which did actually make me feel bad but then I thought – I’m not having cafe breakfasts am I? I can’t afford cafe breakfast either, so if this guy enjoys giving his cash away then why not give it to me, a girl on a ‘toast at home’ level of budget. Surely his goddess is more valuable than a cafe breakfast.
He messaged again later that day and sent $10 more. So now I’m at $80 total findom profits. Amazing, $80 is basically $100. I wonder if he will keep sending more, if he will pay me tributes every week now. I know that in findom, payments are called tributes because I’m frantically scrolling findom twitter reading everything I can as this is my new life path. Of course I am getting ahead of myself though.
As quickly as it all started, it ended. He said he would send more the following week, but never did. He messaged me more that week and I did respond – trying my best to keep up the act. In a moment when we broke the dom/sub dynamic, I brought up boundaries. “Did you want to set a safe word or hard financial limit at all? I don’t want to ruin your life” I asked, again I am a merciful goddess.
“Lol no Goddess, please ruin my life” he said.
Another week came and went, and he didn’t send more money. I waited to message him because I think I was relieved. I hear a lot about other female comics dealing with stalkers and creeps. With that in mind, I thought that perhaps having a BDSM slave that I know nothing about who sends me money and says that I am his reason for living could maybe potentially end badly…like, maybe. But please don’t forget about the $80 ok, pros and cons.
The last message in our DM chat is me saying “on your knees piggy” because he was late for payment. He never replied, and by looking at his twitter page I can see he has been engaging with another Domme. Am I jealous? Maybe??? I can’t believe my sub left me on read. I don’t know exactly what I couldn’t give him that he’s getting from her but I think it’s probably the fact that I’m not an experienced Domme, my vocabulary of denigrating insults was pretty limited (I’m a really nice girl, kind of a wifey), and he wanted someone who could, as he said – “ruin his life”. An actual Domme, not a desperate silly little girl comedian like me. It was fun while it lasted, but being a financial dominatrix is definitely a full on, full time, skilled profession. Much respect to all the Dommes out there keeping these pathetic little piggies honest.
Will my pig be reading this? Yes probably, and he will be humiliated as he should be (and as he will probably enjoy). Piggy – if you’re reading this, send me a $50 tribute immediately you pathetic loser. How dare you think you can ignore your Goddess.
Lauren Bonner is a comedian and writer.
Follow Lauren on Instagram and Twitter @laurenybonner
Filthy little piggies can send their tributes to paypal.me/laurenybonner
