I’ve read a lot of strange columns in my time, but none as strange as this – David Campbell, son of Jimmy Barnes and Australian TV presenter, has written a full article in Stellar magazine… about how he believes his son Billy, aged 4, is the reincarnation of none other than Princess Diana.

You know those stories you hear of where kids – like, tiny kids who know nothing of this world – come out with these fucking batshit stories like “I remember the rolling hills of England from the time when I was Maester Crowley of Derbyshire” or “my name isn’t Sally it’s Ethel Glockenspiel, where are my sheep I was tending to in Euroa, oh that darned Ned Kelly shot them”. Basically, when kids talk about things they really shouldn’t know anything about, except that when you fact check them they’re actually correct. Or, you know, just scarily convincing.

Well, David Campbell says his son Billy, 4, is doing exactly that – about Princess Di’s life. It starts off innocuously – When Billy was around two years old, his mum Lisa was given a thank you card that had Diana on it – what? why? This is the real mystery, David – why thank you cards are circulating that have Princess Diana on the front. Anyway, Billy is all “look it’s me when I was a princess”. As David notes, this is pretty standard toddler bullshit – those bloody tots, always with the fake news and lying about their endeavours.

Then it got a bit strange:

“…he started to refer to his two “boys”. When asked what boys, our then three-year-old would say his “sons”. OK… strange, but sure, mate.”

And then went from ok-bit-wierd-but-no-cause-for-alarm to downright CALL THE EXORCIST:

“To a Scottish friend of ours, he claimed when he was Princess Diana he used to go to a castle in that kilted wonderland. He described the castle as having “unicorns on it” and was called Balmoral. Which is the Queen’s Scottish residence. The unicorn is the national animal of Scotland and there are unicorns on the walls and how does he know this??? He is four years old!”

David, I’m sorry but your child is either actually Princess Di, in which case you must immediately bow down to him, or he is possessed and luring you into a false sense of funny security before he torches your house down like that meme kid.

Okay, so you’re probably thinking the kid picked up this info in the house, right? Same – and clearly David saw you coming with that thought because he then says:

 “While my wife is English, she is not obsessed with the royals. Certainly, we have zero memorabilia in our house. I would talk more about our Windsor friends to Sonia Kruger on TV than I would to Lisa.”

Here’s where I started freaking the fuck out, because OK, I’ll admit it – I thought David was bullshitting about the not-talking-royals thing. Like I’m not obsessed with the royals but maybe there were pics in a magazine lying around, or something on TV you know? But this is WEIRD:

“Who else was in your family when you were a princess, Bill?” my wife probed. “I have brothers and sisters,” replied the wannabe Windsor. “I have a brother called John.” Aha! We had him. Lisa reminded me that there is no John Spencer. Diana’s brother is Charles. He was making this up. Yet when we went to Diana’s Wikipedia page, we turned pale. Diana’s infant brother John died a year before she was born.”

NOOOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE I HATE IT.

Wanna hear the fucking worst one? The one where I’d probably just give in and accept that my child was a royal – the best royal ever, actually – and vow to worship him all of my days?

“Lisa showed him another photo of Diana, and Billy said: “There’s me as a princess. Then one day the sirens came and I wasn’t a princess anymore.”

CHRIST ON A BIKE, that kid is hundo p Lady Di, you should just let him rule your household, David. Coco Pops whenever he wants. Sunnyboys for breakfast. The child is a Princess, it’s a fact.

You can read the whole account on The Daily Telegraph, by the way – it’s proper good shit.