First off – nooooooooo this is not spon for Home & Away. I don’t even know how you’d get that idea considering I’m literally about to revisit the most fucked-up plotlines in existence. If anything it’s off-putting, surely.
Anyway, got that out of the way. Home and Away fans, welcome. Everyone else, fuck off. KIDDING. You can stay as long as you accept this show is the best thing on TV and also do a small blood sacrifice.
Home & Away’s been running for 30 years (!!!) which makes me feel about 400. Because I was legit watching when they had these credits (which they should revive, by the way).
That weird wipey wave thing was sooooo modern back then, guys.
Anyway, I’ve lived through some absolutely joke-level plotlines. Some hilarious. Some extreeeeeemely questionable. Some fucking brilliant. And I’m spending my Friday arvo (and likely entire Monday if I’m honest) revisiting them because this website lets me which is exactly why I work here.
HEATH FUCKING BIANCA THEN FUCKING HER VIRGINAL YOUNGER SISTER
Ooft, right out of the fucking blocks with this completely cooked morsel.
Basically, Heath (one of the iconic River Boys) had a little fling with Bianca. Bianca was dating Liam, and instead of leaving him for Heath she chose to stick in there. Heath got the shits, ended up hanging out with Bianca’s heartbroken little sister April, and the pair hooked up. April was a virgin so this was an extra spicy plotline.
KIRSTY FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER SISTER’S RAPIST
I told you these were going to be cooked, did I not. This storyline was controversial from the get-go – Kane had the hots for Dani Sutherland. This crush turned ugly when Kane raped Dani at her house one day. Considering they were dealing with such a heavy subject in prime time, there was plenty of uproar. Eventually Kane tearfully apologises to Dani and leaves The Bay.
Except then… he comes back. This was controversial ENOUGH. But while Kane tries to make amends with Dani for what he did to her, it gets insanely more fucked up when he then falls in love with her younger sister, Kirsty. Their relationship spanned years of the show but never felt OK, tbh.
MARTHA BECOMES A POLE DANCER
After having an abortion, local girl-next-door Martha hit a “downward spiral” which led to her becoming a stripper/pole dancer.
There are so many hellish elements to this. Firstly, creating a stigma around abortion as though it’ll fuck up your life. Second, that becoming a stripper is “rock bottom”. But it wasn’t those two things that shocked audiences back in the mid-00’s. It was showing scenes of Martha, dressed in quite a bit of clothing tbh, spinning around a pole. Apparently it was too sexual for the show’s 7pm timeslot, according to a whole bunch of viewers.
SHANE GETS KILLED BY CHICKEN WIRE
I mean, really he dies of blood poisoning but goddamn, how good is a plotline that involves someone innocently getting nicked by chicken wire and then carking it suddenly while on a cute family holiday? That’s peak soapie, is what that is.
TASHA ‘FALLS PREGNANT’ TO THE LEADER OF A CULT
Fuck, I mean Tash in general was a bloody ridiculous and brilliant character. She was raised by Y2K survivalists who died defending their bush home from a fire. She washed up on a beach speaking PIG LATIN. Whoever invented this character needs a strong handshake, I tell you.
Tash JOINING a cult was a wild plotline in and of itself. But the best/most batshit part of this ongoing story arc was that Tash wound up being drugged and forced into pregnancy with the cult leader’s son, Jonah. Honestly how was this show on at 7pm. Anyway, because that would be an insanely dark story arc, it turns out that Jonah was sterile and the baby actually ends up being her boyfriend Robbie’s. Seems convenient.
VINNIE COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD BUT NOT REALLY
When Vinnie was packed off to prison, hearts collectively broke for his wife Leah. But then Vinnie was off for ages in prison, then was meant to have died in some sort of prison fire. Like okay, we’re sad. But goodbye. Home & Away viewers are great at farewelling beloved characters.
Anyway, Leah moves on with Dan but then PSYCH, it’s revealed Vinnie didn’t die? And he’s just in witness protection? And he shows up at Vinnie Jnr’s 3rd bday as a giant bear? He wants Leah and child Vinnie to go with him but they’re like yeah nah. It’s a massively anti-climactic moment that really, they should have just… not done.
LITERALLY ANYTHING ANGIE SAID OR DID
Fuuuuck Angie Russell was the villain to end all villains in Summer Bay. Like she rocks up and immediately tells Rhys Sutherland that her kid Dylan is actually his kid from their former fling. Dylan’s been hitting on his half-sister Kirsty this whole time, btw.
She then seduces teenage Nick Smith because she saw him fighting with her son Dylan. Like honestly, this woman’s solution to teen bullying is to fuck with a teenage boys mind via seduction. Oh, and then she fakes sexual assault and gets Nick involved with a police investigation!
Other shit ensues, like her torching a boathouse, blackmailing Josh West, and then eventually she gets killed by her own son. Who by the way turned out NOT to be Rhys’ kid. What a fucking wild ride.
SAUL BRAINWASHING SELINA TO BELIEVE HE CAN REINCARNATE HER DEAD CHILD
Ah, the 90’s. A good time for crazy Home & Away plotlines. In this one, Selina – who sadly miscarried her baby she was preparing to name Maddie – is told by cult leader Saul that if she sleeps with him, Maddie will be reincarnated as the new baby. You know, normal stuff.
She does realise this is bullshit eventually, but then FINDS A BABY ON THE BEACH and feels it’s “fate”. As you do. That baby turns out to have a dad, so that goes bust. Oh, and Selina is kidnapped by cult leader Saul not once, but twice more during her time in The Bay. Wild.
HOMELESS MILES BEING SALLY’S LONG-LOST BROTHER
Ok so when Sally Fletcher was a kid, in 80’s Home and Away, she had an “imaginary friend” called Milco. This was the typical shit Aussie soapies did, by the way, in the 80’s. There was always some bloody ghost or imaginary friend fanging around.
Anyway, for some godforsaken reason they decided to bring Milco back in the 00’s, except as a real human being. And reveal that all this time, Milco was actually Sally’s long-lost brother? Like why do that guys. It’s weird.
Anyway Milco ends up being Miles Copeland, and his return is as a proper adult obviously. He was best known for his relationships with Kirsty (foul) and Leah (best). But there was also this creepy bit where Miles develops and alcohol problem and is hanging out with this character called Rabbit, and it’s all whimsical and cute except then it’s reveal Rabbit is actually his dead daughter and is actually his own imaginary friend. I mean. Wow.
JOHN PALMER’S BRAIN TUMOUR TURNS HIM INTO A SERIAL ARSONIST
I mean. Sure, brain tumours can change people’s personalities and so on. But turning John into this serial arsonist who skulks around The Bay in a black raincoat setting shit alight was a bit rich.
AILSA TELLING COLLEEN SHE KNEW THE DINER FIRE WAS HER FAULT ON HER DEATH BED
Colleen, the absolute pinnacle of nosy parker characters to ever grace Summer Bay, burns down Ailsa’s beloved Diner with a dastardly hot chip fire.
Leah takes the blame, and the secret is kept right up until Ailsa’s dying breaths, which she uses to… tell Colleen she knew she’d caused the fire all along. Savage as FUCK.