Look, I’ve always been aware of Diplo as a human being – mainly because I avidly followed the shitshow that was him dating/boning Katy Perry.
[jwplayer nNX4qBOS]
But I wasn’t really into the guy until he started his weird dirty cowboy phase. You know, when he started wearing bedazzled western gear and cowboy hats teamed with long hair and a dirty mo.
The hair and mo don’t do things for me alone, oh no.
This Diplo? Don’t care for him.
This Diplo? CLIMB HIM LIKE A TREE.
It’s been an alarming realisation. Why am I so horny for Cowboy Diplo? The outfits are hideous and it’s not outback cowboy vibes, it’s greasy sleaze-bag cowboy vibes.
I’ve spent a long time coming to terms with my problematic crush, and I’m sure a lot of you have a similar one. To help us all, I’m just going to outline the thought process I’ve had along this journey to acceptance, OK?
1. Cowboys Are Sexy
In general, I have a real thing for cowboys. It’s likely to do with my obsession with the country – even though I wasn’t born in rural Australia, ever since I could drive I’ve gravitated towards open plains and the outback red dirt.
It’s also probably to do with the fact cowboys are just fucking sexy – they are ripped thanks to wrangling cattle or whatever the fuck they do, plus sweaty and dirty all the time, PLUS they have horribly sun-damaged skin that makes them all leathery. That part shouldn’t turn me on but for some reason it does. I can’t control my hormones! They control me!
But we must accept, as I said above – Cowboy Diplo isn’t farmhand sexy. He’s trashy. So then we move to the next element of why he’s a hornbag.
2. He Has Vibes Of Kid Rock, But Hotter
Kid Rock has always been a problematic sexual crush for me – something about the revolting redneck has always stirred my loins, you know? Clearly I’m not alone, the man dated Pamela Anderson when she was the hottest commodity in Hollywood! There’s something about his grotty Texas vibe that draws you in, even if you hate yourself for it.
Cowboy Diplo has the exact same vibe except he’s a) younger so there’s no weird extra grossness of old man and b) he’s fundamentally prettier.
3. He Looks Naughty
This crush isn’t a “marry me” kind, it’s pure unadulterated sexual attraction. Cowboy Diplo would be an absolute asshole. Firstly, you’d have to chase HIM, for sure. He’d be aloof as all hell while you text him 40 times in a week, trying to tee up a hook-up because it’s all you can get from him, and you’ve lowered your standards to base levels by now.
Then, when he finally takes you back to his trailer (he absolutely lives in a trailer from the 70s and has never, ever washed the sheets), you fuck and immediately fall in love with him. In the morning, he rolls over, farts, says he’s going to get some milk and never returns.
I mean never returns. EVER. He drives off with his few belongings, leaving you to wait all day – and you DO wait all day – before giving up. Next time you call him, his number is disconnected.
If I mix those three points together, I’ve got a pretty good idea as to why I am so attracted to Cowboy Diplo. Mainly he really plays into my general issues with being deeply horny for emotionally unavailable men?
Diplo if you’re reading this you can 100% get it and I won’t even mind when you ghost me like Travis Scott did to you.
