The group chat is a terrible place, isn’t it. It’s a place void of morals, frankly. A CESSPIT.

I am active in four group chats, and they are all fucked up in their own unique ways. PEDESTRIAN.TV editorial also has a group chat which is it’s own special type of Hell, by the way.

Group chats often have wild names – we’ve asked people about theirs before, if you’re interested. But even more batshit are the names we give each other INSIDE the group chat. Probably because you personally can’t see your nickname so therefore you forget you’re called “Wet Your Pants” (me) and go on with your merry day.

We asked a bunch of people what their cooked group chat nicknames are, because what’s more fun than reading about other people who are equally if not more fucked up than you are?

In one group chat my nickname is ‘Siberia’, I don’t remember the origination of this at all. I think I typed something and it auto-corrected? Another I’m ‘Puppeteer Reject’, because a guy I briefly dated was a puppeteer and he told me he couldn’t see me anymore bc he had feelings for another puppeteer he was working with.  –  Mel

I’m ‘Daddy Red Legs’ in one of mine for reasons I cannot fathom. – Cam

‘Very Little Dicky Nicky’. – Nick

A guy in one of my group chats is Gypsy Prince (he found out he was actual Hungarian gypsy royalty), and another is Skidmark (has shat himself twice while drunk).  – Tom

In my old housemate chat that’s never died off, I’m ‘Ya Girl Whippy’, because my nickname has been ‘Courtwhip’ for years. Then I have ‘TBoz’ – in that chat we’re all named after TLC members for some reason. I’m ‘Lady SpeedStick’ in another because in summer I use the deodorant on my thighs to stop chafing, lol. I’ve also been ‘Piss Hands Magee’ in that chat because once I did a urine test and got some on my hands. And in my AFL chat I’m DONS FLAG 2018 because I spent the first couple of rounds in my AFL chat just yelling about how it was “Essendon’s year”. – Courtney

My group chat is called ‘The Kims’ and at some point I said Kim was short for Kimothy, so now ‘Kimothy’ is my nickname. – Kate

Some of my group chat were thirsting over Hugh Riminton, and I made up the term ‘Hugh Rimmy-Tongue’, which then became my group chat nickname obviously. – Matt

I went to Melbourne with some friends, and we had an organisational group chat. One friend got there first and joked that he would wank on everyone’s beds. So he got the nickname ‘Cum Criminal’. Then he said specifically that he would wank on *my* bed so I was nicknamed ‘Jizz Bed’. – Greg

My chat has ‘Oak n Woke’ because he has an Oak every single morning. – Georgia

Once my friend said he was going to try pickling some veggies and forever since his name is changed to ‘Pickles’. Everyone else’s names in the group are changed every day (usually everyone to one persons name, so there are 15 Paul’s at one time) but Pickles is ALWAYS Pickles. – Blair

In my group chat there’s ‘Baberaham Lincoln’ – a friend who is just 100% is that 80s rock queen man-eater type, ‘Magic Eight Ball’ – the friend that always chimes in with advice, and ‘Sly Fox’ – the friend who just never responds to anything. – Kassia

One of the girls in mine is nicknamed ‘Puddles’ because she stayed at a guys house and was so drunk she wet the bed. – Blake

In my chat there’s a girl called ‘FENTONNNN!’ because she re-discovered that YouTube clip of the dude chasing the dog across a park. – Kate

In one chat I’m ‘Stevie Wonder – The Intern’, which came about because we were away once and at a pub, everyone was sitting at this table and I was sitting slightly back from it cos it was hot as fuck and I wanted to sit in the shade (pasty life represent). I was wearing sunnies and one of my friends said that I looked blind and didn’t know where I was because I was sitting away from everyone. The intern part came later because I never have any money. My friends think I don’t get paid but really, all my money goes to all the dumb debts I have. – Matt

My friend Marnie is nicknamed ‘The Government’ coz she’s a tyrant, bless her and plans everything for our group. – Matty

I’m ‘Thot Kimono’ in one of my group chats. A friend and I were discussing appropriate attire to wear while watching the World Cup at home. Things fell apart from there. – David

My friend is named ‘Cradling Aportos’ because once she got wasted and stopped for Oportos and told the chat she was ‘Cradling Aportos’. – Bec

Image: Mindy Project