Conspiracy Of The Day: Pam Anderson Killed Julian Assange W/ A Vegan Sambo

Ok, so here’s something that definitely, 100%, totally happened: Hillary Clinton hired Pamela Anderson to assassinate Julian Assange via a poisoned vegan sandwich, at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

Nope, that sentence is not the result of a particularly wild round of Cards Against Humanity, nor is it a very, very high person’s attempt to solve a game of Cluedo, but an actual theory floating around the Twitter-sphere ATM, after news came through that the former Baywatch star, and possible super-spy, visited WikiLeaks head honcho Assange in the Ecuadorian Embassy, where he is currently holed up avoiding extradition to Sweden on rape charges, to deliver him some meat-free goodies.
Mashable reports that Pam, a long-time supporter of Assange, brought him “a nice vegan lunch and some vegan snacks,” due to worrying about the l33t hacker’s health. 
I really believe in him,” she says of Julz. “And I think he’s a good person, and I’m concerned about his health, his family, and I just hope that by some miracle he’s set free.
All of this is, of course, EXACTLY what a deadly secret agent, hell-bent on delivering cyanide-infested quinoa to the world’s foremost whistleblower, WOULD say. That is if you ask conspiracy loving Twitterati, whose belief that Pam had for sure done a murder was proven by the following series of ‘random’ tweets from the official WikiLeaks Twitter account, which they claim are a result of a ‘dead man’s switch’ activated by Assange’s sandwich-related slaughter:

Ok, first of all, how fkn cool does a ‘dead man’s switch’ sound?!? I’m def getting one set up to wholly eradicate my Grindr account on the occasion of my (hopefully VERY sexy) death.

Other’s immediate reactions differed to mine however, with the aforementioned conspiracy, now with Hillary Clinton chucked in for good measure, taking flight into previously undiscovered realms of batshittery.

Ohhhhkkaaaaaaay, internet. Calm ya tits for one second, yeh?

Turns out the supposed ‘dead man’s switch’ tweets were merely a result of Assange’s internet dropping out, and the dude is very much alive and well. I mean, as well as someone who just had a vegan sambo forced upon them anyway.

Anyway, tune in next week, for Twitter’s discovery that Goldie Hawn is actually an undercover Russian spy, who’s ultimate plan is to smother Mark Zuckerberg to death with organic yoghurt … or some shit.
Photo: Getty / Ben A. Pruchnie.