There are things that are inherently certain when you become a household name. Glamourous events, free shit, and people trying to take your fucking photo every time you go anywhere outside.

Cole Sprouse – who is genuinely quite a good photographer – has been going tête-à-tête with these fans who insist on slyly taking a photo of him while he’s out and about, masterfully snapping a photo of the fan before they can take one of him. It’s a good old fashion Camera Duel and Sprouse is a fucken master of the arena. The duels are not a super regular occurrence, but it’s absolutely more about quality than quantity here.

Not only does he skillfully take a photo of his in-public, usually unashamed, duelling partner, but he eloquently and mercilessly owns them in the captions. This man’s a true force to be reckoned with, people.

When you get sneaky photos taken of you, you pick up a profound sense of paranoia. All of your senses are heightened to the duelist's presence. You can smell em, you can taste em in the air, you can see the red aura that they burn off their boney frames. Most of all, you can hear your name whispered like voldemort. I've become adept at knowing when someone says my name, even in a crowded noisy lodge. (Kahhhlllll•ssssppprrooowwwss) is all I heard from the two girls staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Their pupils were pitch black, and they were smilin with teeth like sharp stones.if it weren't for the photo proof, I would swear the whole event took place in grainy black and white. Here are the two pullin the ole overtheshoulder slickpic. Looks at that venomous grin, like a guilty dog. #Coldemort #cameraduels #camera_duels #MammothMountain

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@camera_duels) on

This is a man with senses so heightened that he can pinpoint the exact moment someone recognises him and goes to take a photo (I assume to share online and gloat about their ~brush with fame~). This is a man whose hands are so lightning fast that the quick-draw of his phone will stop a person dead in their tracks, as the embarrassment of being seen and unequivocally busted shames them for generations to come.

And these are some of my favourite camera duels. The ones that make me want to elaborately kiss my fingers like I’m the Swedish Chef.

Yes, have we ever considered “eat my ass” indeed.

#cameraduels #camera_duels #Germany #flippenfloppen #derOopsideDownLand #itsaGermanWord Oh look, what a standard technique they employed to try and catch me off guard. I'll just casually swing my phone in my hand while walking…but wait, I wasn't just swinging my phone, I was actually taking your picture, single handed. My mamba-like agility is what keeps me ahead of your photo shenanigans. They tried, they lost. Look at their sad German expressions. One might say I found shadenfreude. #BabiesOnTrial #GitErDone You guys may wonder "Cole, why don't you post more often?" It's simple guys. I don't waste all my time on this website filled with people so vain, that they serve as a highway for my bad blood. Cholesterol problems you see. #GottaEatSomeCheerios

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@camera_duels) on

Such TECHNIQUE, c’est magnifique.

Don't tap on the glass, it scares the fuckbois. Here I was, walkin with a slight limp, when I suddenly notice the glass next to me fogging up. Lo and behold, a camera duel was underway. You see,a camera duel is kind of like a spider sense, except it's located in the sphincter. I turned quickly, and in just enough time to also get my own reflection. Now, I'm not a fan of selfies, personally, but I suppose a good selfie always involves making other people feel insecure. So this selfie hit all the right criteria. He thought by framing his iPhone with his delicate index fingers, he could steady his shakey hands. Wrong. My shot however, like a true pro: soft and steady, accompanied with a venomous smile. #FriendlyCompetition #cameraduels #quakingbowels

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@camera_duels) on

It has everything, the duel, the decoy friend, the striking grin of a victorious Sprouse as he coolly walks past.

An advanced technique betrayed by an amateur mistake. There are times when you feel like the antagonist and times when you feel like a character in the background. And while I’m sure I could sit here and write to you of the bubbling fury I felt deep in my man womb, how much easier it is to simply liken my emotional state to the woman behind our fair human heatlamp: the fog of war stare, arms folded in resignation. I’m actually impressed with the phone call technique, nothing new to me -a cynical master of the paranoid arts, but nonetheless advanced. A shame the tact was shattered by an automatic flash feature, burning deep into my soulless eyes the image of a fallen man on the precipice of the void we call ~social media currency~ #ad #cameraduels

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@camera_duels) on

A masterful manoeuvre from this duelling partner, but was majorly let down by his own camera’s flash. For SHAME.

My father once told me that the key to great driving was ensuring the safety of myself and my passengers. Now, behold the fatherless fanatics: car in motion, eyes and hands off the wheel and road. There are times when I am truly in awe of the bravery of human sacrifice. A soldier risks all to save a fallen comrade. A group of righteous protestors fight oppression within a fascist regime. An old woman with dementia walks across a 4 way intersection to the local grocery. THIS, is not one of those times. In fact, a picture of ~a sprouse~ driving a car is so low down the life and limb foodchain, I am almost honored by the attempt. But I digress. You may be asking yourself, "Cole, aren't you taking a picture while driving too?" Yes, yes I certainly am. And typing this caption too. And while I was stopped when I took this, even if I was in motion I had already resigned my existence to another plane. If they play for keeps, so do I. The screaming and giggling that echoed from their car was a grim prologue to an ~auto~biography I should be writing: "I killed two people who probably shouldn't breed anyway," (working title), or at least the opening sequence to "red asphalt 2." Now if they did, indeed, collide with Darwin (because of me) I would have felt a tad guilty, I admit. But to be fair Oprah made us take a pledge for this exact reason, and so I think she should probably feel more ashamed. I hope Satan likes the photo.

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@camera_duels) on

This is so ruthless I think I have whiplash. I HOPE SATAN LIKES THE PHOTO.

Who would have thought, the mother with child, would have prioritized taking our picture over steadying her baby's carriage on a moving train? I did. I would have thought. Firstly, her child is too young for The Street Life of Shaq and Kobe, so we all know she was taking that picture for herself. Unless of course she was making a long term investment, banking on the baby enjoying the show when #it grows up. #ItsCalledInvesting. Trying to be sneaky, she made the number 1 rookie mistake, #Flash. My poor, helpless, innocent, virgin brother was caught in the middle of our duel. You can see the fear in his eyes and the determination in mine, both being trumped by the look of shame in hers. #cameraduels #BabyOnBoard #FamilyDrama #TheStreetLifeOfShaqAndKobe

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@camera_duels) on

Guess who’s not safe from a Cole Sprouse Online Own? His “poor, helpless, innocent, virgin brother” that’s who.

So please, take the afternoon off to be blown backwards off your chair at the sheer strength of this man’s agility and speed as he takes on his own fans, one camera duel at a time.

Image: Getty Images / Kevin Winter