I don’t even know how to begin this beyond telling you that there is a film coming next year about a bear that gets absolutely gacked on cocaine and goes on a killing spree. Unsurprisingly, the name of this impending movie is simply called Cocaine Bear. Well and truly does what it says on the lid.
It follows the story of a shipment of cocaine that was dropped out of a passing plane into the forests of Georgia in the mid-’80s and later discovered by a massive black bear. The curious dude honked his way through multiple packets of the booger sugar and apparently died of an overdose.
You’d think that’s wild enough for a feature film but apparently, the filmmakers were like “ok but what if the bear also got cooked out of its mind and attacked everything in sight?”
And now we have this, frankly fucking incredible, trailer.
It’s giving The Cabin In The Woods with its seemingly perfect balance of horror and comedy, which is already a massive tick in my books. I mean there’s a snippet of a scene in there where the bear hoofs up a monster slug off a detached leg, for fuck’s sake.
Cocaine Bear, would you believe it, is actually based on a true story. Some of you might recognise the tale from a 2021 episode of My Favourite Murder where they discuss the story of Andrew Thornton, a former narcotics officer who began smuggling drugs in the ’70s and died in a parachuting accident while carrying 35 kilos of Dr Silly’s No-No powder.
A news clipping from the New York Times in 1985 details the discovery of the black bear’s body near the mountain town of Blue Ridge in December, three months after Thornton’s death.
Anyway, the new Elizabeth Banks-directed film stars Ray Liotta in his final film before his death, Keri Russell (The Americans), Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family) and TikTok comedian Scott Seiss.
Cocaine Bear is slated to land like a 250-kilo apex predator on February 23 and you can bet your ass I’m going to watch on premiere night.