Cinematic Crime Spree Hits Cannes; Shots Fired, $1.3 Million Chopard Jewels Stolen

It was a strange case of Life doing a bunch of coke and doing a great impression of Art at Cannes overnight when, after Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring opened the Un Certain Regard category at the festival, it was casually revealed that $1.3 million worth of Chopard jewellery had been stolen from a hotel suite on the French Riviera during the premiere. The perfect crime! 

Prior to that a man carrying a switchblade and a dummy grenade was apprehended after firing two shots into the air as he approached a crowded pop-up TV studio where Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained: guns, explosives; Inglorious Basterds: also guns, explosives, large blades) was being interviewed. After the perp’s gun was discharged, everybody did a Tim Gunn; which is to say, they made it work, they carried on [being shot at and being fabulous]. 
All in a day’s work at Cannes: glamourous war zone, deadly press circuit.
Meanwhile, thieves probably wearing Breton stripes and whisper-quiet quilted leather Chanel espadrilles reportedly broke into the Novotel hotel suite of an American employee of Swiss jeweller Chopard, a primary sponsor of the festival, before making off with dahmonz to the value of one million euros. 

A spokesperson for Chopard has downplayed the reported value of the jewels and contradicted reports that the fancy blingees on a makeshift floss string were intended to be worn by stars and Lana Del Rey at Cannes.

But of course; why else would there be $1.3 million worth of jewels in a safety deposit box in a city full of celebrités paid to wear said diamonds at an event for which the company hiding the jewels is a naming rights sponsor with a store, the rights to a re-design of the $26,000 Palme d’Or and its own red carpet opposite the main venue? ‘Pfft! These were not ze jewels meant for ze famous people, we just employ forty people to make sure zat zey’re around; I mean, like, we don’t even care about zem zat much,’ is exactly what I imagine the Swiss Chopard spokesperson said.
Alohomora! Accio Chopard! Undetectable extension spell!‘ is also exactly what I imagine Emma Watson said before safely tucking the jewels into her beaded clutch, where they now rest safely alongside Godric Gryffindor’s Sword, the Monster Book of Monsters and Rupert Grint’s future prospects.  
‘Mischief managed.’
 

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