Lady Gaga‘s current era is bringing us the chaotic gay energy that we desperately need in pop right now. Gags is serving up sweaty dance floor-ready bangers and flogging off jockstraps and gumboots as official merch, all while creating mythology about the new planet of Chromatica, which exists by necessity because “Earth is cancelled.” It’s complete nonsense, and I’m fully here for it.
Someone needs to maintain good governance on this new world, so cue the United States of Chromatica account, the most delightful and deranged fan Twitter I’ve seen in quite some time. Run by a Gaga enthusiast but not affiliated with her (or so they would have us believe …), the account acts as an official governing body for the planet, and has the final say on who’s in and who’s out.
So who’s in charge of things on Chromatica? Carly Rae Jepsen is the first official Secretary of State (a wise decision), while crime rates on the planet are so low that the entire police force is made up of the group BLACKPINK.
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1264008848156889089
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263874950919852032
There is, however, a military, and Chromatica jockstraps and thongs are the official uniform:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263692018330619904
The Cock Destroyers are in charge of the TSA, and will conduct extensive searches at the border, while Princess Peach is Secretary of Transportation:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1264290251675176961
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1264411880543617025
Charli XCX controversially missed out on the Transport position, but was still named President of Agriculture, while noted public speaker Jasmine Masters holds the position of press secretary:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263676498134863873
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263680592044056578
Shakira is foreign affairs minister, while Grimes and X Æ A-12 hold classified positions within the government:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263838280199569409
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263922040962195457
In a nod to the almost exclusively homosexual population of Chromatica, speed-walking is mandatory and iced coffee is sold by the gallon:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263929680379379712
Only lesbians are allowed to drive on the planet, while gays are required to use other forms of transportation:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263696437566672896
Ellen‘s visa application was recently denied, while Jeffree Star and his six Pomeranians were black-listed. RuPaul‘s visa is currently suspended over accusations of fracking:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263821657233375232
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1264045000196853761
After a poll of the citizenry of Chromatica, Lana Del Rey was recently found innocent, but Doja Cat‘s status remains under review:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1264072065696649217
I, for one, pledge allegiance to the United States of Chromatica:
https://twitter.com/ChromaticaGov/status/1263671043371290624
Yesterday saw the release of the video for ‘Rain On Me’. As USA Today succinctly put it: “Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande teamed up for “Rain On Me,” an upbeat dance track where each singer takes a turn with a verse. They also sing together on some of the choruses.”
Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande teamed up for “Rain On Me,” an upbeat dance track where each singer takes a turn with a verse. They also sing together on some of the choruses. https://t.co/eap8R2kl0p
— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) May 23, 2020
You can watch it below, if you haven’t yet:
