Peloton is out here doing the lord’s work by gifting us with an ad entirely composed of Law & Order daddy Christopher Meloni (aka Elliot Stabler) working out in the buff. And I mean that literally. This man is so ripped even his buttcheeks have abs.

The ad does what it says on the tin, really. It’s just one entire minute of Meloni showing us how fucking shredded he is. Doing his meditations naked, lifting weights naked and putting his bountiful Melonis right against the camera.

Unfortunately for those of us with crippling daddy issues, the ad is censored throughout. However, this implies the existence of an uncensored version, surely. Peloton, release the Meloni Cut on OnlyFans or something. You will make a handsome buck.

You can view the ad in all its glory right here:

Do not ask me what the video was supposed to be advertising. I could not tell you the colour of anything in that video.

Meloni gained a healthy heaping of internet attention in the middle of 2021 after pics of his massive cheeks became the centre of many an online discussion.

How can you blame us though? We were in the middle of a pandemic, touch-starved and crippled by the weight of our own isolation. Daddy Meloni and his gluteus supermaximus were the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Always keen to be in on the joke, however, Meloni addressed the claims that he was a member of the Special Thicctims Unit on Twitter.

Not the Patrick clapping his cheeks meme… sir what are you DOING.

Christopher Meloni himself was actually the one who first called his ass cheeks Melonis. That, my friends, is branding.

Speaking of branding, the man definitely knows that he’s become the ultra-daddy eye candy of the world at the moment.

Not long ago, he did a photo shoot with Interview Magazine wearing grey sweatpants and a crop top, the sluttiest combo a man can muster. I still think of it to this day.

Peloton, if you’re reading this, I would like to know if any purchase of your products will bring me one step closer to daddy Meloni.

I’ll buy ten of whatever it was you were advertising in that ad, I swear it.