Christmas shopping suuuuuuuuuucks always, but it especially sucks when you leave it to the last minute and have to brave the over-filled shopping centres. How does everyone suck except us? How?
Here’s everyone that sucks at Christmas time. I mean, they’re forever shit but they become true abominations at Christmas. Do not be these people.
THE SLOW WALKER
Good LORD. Why are you MOSEYING ALONG at the pace of a snail at this time of year? Do you enjoy packed shopping centres filled with muzak in your down-time? Would you rather be sardined with other horrific shoppers instead of swimming at the beach? These are the important questions. Have a purpose and MARCH TOWARD IT, MAN.
PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET TROLLEY ETIQUETTE
Immediately stop just plowing into my heels bc you’re “in a rush”, or deciding that you can just bulldoze into MY trolley and go “omg sorryyyyy!” and that makes it ok. Or – worst ever – just parking that shit in the middle of a very small boutique aisle. No. Stop. We’re all in hell here so at least try and avoid my legs, could you?
PEOPLE WHO CAN’T TEXT AND WALK SIMULTANEOUSLY BUT TRY TO ANYWAY
Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY. If you can text and walk and avoid being a shitty human being, good on you. Great job. You are also me. If you can’t, and typing out your texts whilst walking leads to you a) walking on the right side, not the left or b) makes you run into trollies/humans/poles, DO FUCKING NOT. Go sit somewhere and write your dumb texts. The shopping centre has no time for your antics.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T GOT A PURPOSE
You are just as bad as slow walkers. I’m sorry, but you are. You wander around, looking at walls and shit, taking up room that us power-walkers need. Write a list of who you need to buy for and have a general idea of the shops you’re going to hit up and just DO THAT. Do absolutely not come in here, to my now home since I have been shopping for 400 hours (it feels) and disrespect me like that. You are the problem.
PEOPLE WHO ARE DICKHEADS TO RETAIL STAFF
Guess what – you might be stressed and need answers quickly because you want to go home and wrap little Tommy’s present STAT, but that person wearing the nametag “Jessica” and the Santa hat is also a human being? And probably wants to be at home? Eating baked beans out of a can and watching The Sinner? You feel? So don’t talk to her like she/he is an amoeba you can just scream at. That is all.
Yes yes we ALL need cloves for the ham and we ALL want to buy the Cotton On Kids polka-dot tutu for our nieces. But hey – if you weren’t there first, admit defeat and move on. Don’t wriggle your arm through a non-existent gap and rip that item from someone else’s hands OK? It’s gross.
PEOPLE WHO STEAL PARKING SPOTS
You are the WORST EVER. Because what is more self-centred, arrogant and fucked than deciding you are more worthy of a parking spot than anyone else? We’ve all been driving ’round this demonic hell hole of a car park for an hour, mate. If you didn’t find it first, you don’t get to screech in and then pretend you can’t hear me screaming at you. Soz.