Everyone is going mad for terrible Christmas romance movies this year, probably because Netflix and Stan have absolutely poured ’em out in bucketloads for us all to binge on like the trash TV sicko’s we are.
While A Christmas Prince deserves ALL the love it’s been getting (including love from myself and our Associate News Editor Alex here), there’s another movie that’s getting a lot of convo flowing – Christmas Inheritance.
I’d describe it to you in my own words, but the Wikipedia description is just too damn good.
Before ambitious heiress Ellen Langford can inherit her father’s gift business, she must deliver a special Christmas card to her dad’s former partner in Snow Falls, the hometown she never knew. When a snowstorm strands her at the town inn, she’s forced to work for her keep, and in the process, finds romance and discovers the true gift of Christmas.
Sounds amazing, right? Like the exact kind of Christmas trash you want to watch this weekend.
NO. DON’T. THE HYPE IS FALSE.
This is truly the worst, shittiest, most abominable piece of shit film I’ve watched in years. It is so boring, my own mother – who religiously watches Home & Away and Days Of Our Lives, mind you – fell asleep. She FELL ASLEEP FIFTEEN MINUTES IN.
I’m aware it’s meant to be trash – I co-wrote that A Christmas Prince piece and frankly I think I was the most forgiving out of Alex and myself – but there’s trash because of terrible plot devices and budget sets, which turns a terrible film into a D-grade masterpiece.
And then there’s trash because a film is so mind-numbingly boring, you’d rather watch someone talk about the stock market for 2 hours.
That is this movie. It is so snoozy I could barely remember the plot and am relying hard on IMDB and Wikipedia right now.
THE PROTAGONIST ISN’T NEARLY SPOILT ENOUGH TO WARRANT THE PLOT
This entire film hangs on the fact that Ellen Langford‘s meant to be this spoilt little rich girl who can’t handle the family business. She needs to learn about ~hard work~ and ~values~. But Ellen really doesn’t seem too wild. I mean, the wildest thing we see her do is miss a preso because she was doing gymnastics as a party trick. Yeah, OK. Super wild.
Predictably, she stacks it into a bunch of gifts and causes a scene, which is meant to make us think… Ellen is a train wreck?
PLUS she actually cares about the business and comes to her dad with a bunch of ideas to make it profitable? Tell me again WHY she needs to go off and discover herself, pls.
THE PLOT IS CONVOLUTED
So Ellen’s meant to be going to Snow Falls to learn about values and shit, right. But she also has to deliver a letter. And then when she’s there, she learns about her dad’s estranged business partner. And there’s stuff on that, but also on her working the kitchen to become “real”… it’s too confusing and the mystery gets lost in all the other shit.
Like wait am I meant to care that you’re growing as a person or am I meant to be wondering who the mystery business partner is, hoo-wee.
Also, I very much don’t care bc this movie is boring! As I have said.
THE PACE IS SLOW AS HELL
The thing that made A Christmas Prince work is that it just rocketed along – BAM! The prince’s kid sister goes from hating Amber to loving her within 20 minutes of film time. BAM! There’s an evil character trying to ruin shit days after Amber arrives at the palace.
Christmas Inheritance just goes ON AND ON AND ON until your eyes glaze over and you lose the will to be not-comatose. Nothing fucking happens. And when it does, it happens so gradually that you don’t realise it happened and then you’re left confused and wondering how you got lost in a movie that literally just snails along.
I cannot tell you how little I know about the plot. Because it is so little, it has required half an hour of research to finish this article. That is how boring this movie is.
THERE’S NO CHEMISTRY BETWEEN ANYONE, ANYWHERE
Even though we have Andie MacDowell and the guy from the last season of Girls as the love interest here – so a lot more “names” than Christmas Prince – this movie is soooooo beige. It feels like all the actors hate each other under the surface.
There’s nothing between Ellen and love interest Jake. None. Zero. It’s like watching two pieces of cardboard get pushed around in a gentle wind. Like sponge cake that’s a little bit stale.
I can’t even remember why Ellen and Jake hate each other for most of the movie, but they do. I think it’s because Ellen is a bit princessy but she’s not (from memory) screaming about a bit of snow in her boot or throwing food at the wall? Like what do you want, Jake? She’s from the city FFS.
Andie MacDowell is always a delight. But it’s like she operates as an island in this movie, she’s all warm and motherly but everyone else sucks and is boring so it really dulls her spark.
In short? Do not watch this movie. It is very terrible and you will regret the wasted hours. Go watch A Christmas Prince instead.