Ranking The Hats From My Childhood Closet By How Much They Made Me Feel Like A Bad Bitch

The year was 2009. Kristin Cavallari had just replaced LC on The HillsSean Kingston dominated the airwaves and roughly 2 hairs existed on my tween underarms. I also heavily experimented with hats.

And I mean it when I say experimenting – the eclectic array of beanies and hats I sported as a kid heavily signpost the various stages of my tween self-discovery. This rings true for everyone, I’m sure – looking back on one’s fashion choices is a universal right of passage.

Still, it doesn’t excuse how monstrous some of these choices truly were.

I recently returned to my family home for the week, which meant sleeping in my old bed, reuniting with my Spice Girls posters and subsequently coming face-to-face with the intriguing hat choices I made as a child.

With this in mind, I now present to you a considered ranking of my favourite childhood hats in terms of the bad bitch energy they exuded (and arguably still exude to this day).

4. Head-swallowing beanie

This beanie comes in at number 4, not because it’s necessarily flaccid-inducing on the eyes (although it is quite unforgiving) but for the way I styled it. Inspired by Sid from Skins, I’d pull this sucker so far down over my head that it nearly covered my eyes. I didn’t even like this beanie. I thought it’d get me a couple of street credit points. Little did I know, it just made me look like a sad marshmallow. No bad bitch vibes here.

3. Peaked beanie (heanie)

I can’t even begin to explain how much I wore this peaked beanie, which I recently learnt was called a ‘heanie’. The term ‘heanie’ makes me heave, which perfectly matches my visceral reaction upon glancing at this fugly garment… so I guess ‘heanie’ is fitting. You already know stage I was entering with this little number – No one fucking talk to me. I’m 12. I can do what I want.

You can tell that my favourite song was “Hey There Delilah”, and that I’d listen to the track at night time, glancing up at ceiling with tears rolling down my face, despite the fact that I had no idea what relationships were about. You can also tell I’d look out the car window during road trips, pretending I was the main character in a music video where someone had done me wrong.

Very angst, very insecure, very iconic. 10/10 for trying. 2/10 big bitch energy.

2. Straw fedora

The un-ironic fedora was a must-have staple in the 00’s childhood hat closet. I thought this straw iteration was the perfect way to finesse my outfit, alongside a pair of chunky DC shoes, a Billabong shirt and Ripcurl tee.

A slight tilt forward if I was feeling extra fine. Tilt or non tilt, the fedora exuded maturity, freedom and fearlessness. You know I wore this with pride. An absolute babe magnet. 9/10 on the bad bitch scale.

1. Silver top hat

No other nostalgic garment of mine could hold a candle to my silver top hot – unequivocally the hottest thing I owned. I absolutely donned this masterpiece at middle school house parties with grace, dignity and a dash of brooding mystery, particularly whenever a silver theme rolled around (which was quite often). This top hat was the king of medium dick energy. So much so, I wish I could teleport back to my childhood just to relive the high of walking into a room and watching peoples’ faces drop.

10/10 bad bitch vibes, obviously.

Vogue be shaking.

More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV