Channing Tatum Is Furious At The Pattern Astrology App For Being Too Real

Certified daddy Channing Tatum has taken to Instagram and Twitter to rage against astrology app The Pattern for just like totally getting him, y’know, like it just gets him.

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As we have previously discussed, The Pattern knows things about us as people at a level that is frankly unnerving. And our dear extremely hench friend, Magic Mike star Channing Tatum, has discovered this for himself, as Bustle writes.

I need some answers,” Tatum began, bemused, ruminating on who knows their exact birth time really (it’s that birth time that tells them everything they need to know about your personality, duh). “What is this Pattern shit?

But the crux of Channing Tatum’s bafflement is this: “How do you know what you know about me Pattern?

I don’t even know if I wanna know this stuff. I don’t know if anybody should know this stuff.

He demanded that the astrology app DM him to explain how tf The Pattern’s daily push notification managed to basically recite back to him something that was said in his latest therapy session.

So he launched into his suspicions about The Pattern: “Are you listening through my phone and then just regurgitating the stuff that I’m afraid of?

Tatum concluded, harnessing the power of social media shaming to hold companies accountable: “If you know so much, you know how to get in touch with me, don’t you? Do that. I need answers right now.

Can we all just take a second to imagine what The Pattern told Channing Tatum to set him off like this? Because my astrology apps are just like, “You’re floating between boredom and extreme insecurity,” and I think, ‘True,’ and then do absolutely nothing with that info.

Tatum’s girlfriend Jessie J couldn’t help but weigh in on Channing Tatum’s distress in the comments, writing, “It’s me…. I’m the pattern. I’m sliding in your dm’s in 3…..2…..(sliding)….1.”

Image source: Instagram / @channingtatum.

The Pattern Insta itself also showed up to assuage Tatum’s privacy fears, promising to slide into his DMs and blaming him for crashing their server. (Tell me you didn’t immediately try to download the app too).

Hey @channingtatum! Thanks for letting us know you planned on crashing our servers today   We’ll be sliding into your dms shortly.”

Image source: Instagram / @channingtatum.

Let’s hope that the astrology app explains itself, and that the reasoning is that astrology is totally real and legit. Because otherwise it’s just that they’re data-mining to come up with their wisdom because we all give these apps permission to access our Facebook accounts. Who can be bothered logging in with a password, I mean, come on?

To distract us from that likely reality – I doubt The Pattern will share this knowledge with more than just the extremely perturbed Channing Tatum – here’s something else from his Instagram account to fix your Saturday afternoon: