Britney Spears Will Be Cryogenically Frozen

Britney Spears will never die. Instead she will be cryogenically frozen until the right technology is developed to be able to revive her preserved body. According to “a friend of Britney’s” her latest obsession started when someone told her about the most well-known alleged freezee, Walt Disney, and “it got her researching and she became convinced it was worth a shot.”

I find it hard to believe that Britney would actually WANT to have a second life after the hand she’s been dealt: craziness, a fat wigger of an ex-husband, irreparably bad hair, no control over her money, an undoubtedly haunting lost chance for love with Justin Timberlake… And anyway: remember that Mel Gibson movie Forever Young where Mel gets in the prototype chamber for cryonic freezing that his buddy makes when his girlfriend goes into a coma and he doesn’t want to watch her die (which makes him a jerk)? So he’s in suspended animation for a year, then he gets accidentally thawed by Elijah Wood and finds his coma girlfriend and it turns out she’s alive after all but really old and then he suffers these weird “aging attacks” himself that make him get old really quickly. – Is THAT what Britney wants?

Britney’s friend also said that the pop star has “looked into having her ashes turned into diamonds after she is gone but settled on the chance of getting to live in the future.” I fear the future.