Rogue Twitter raconteur and sometimes author, Bret Easton Ellis – who shall hereafter be referred to as BEE – has made public his desire to write the screen adaptation of pop cultural phenomenon, the Twilight fan fiction turned NY Times best selling BDSM “mommy porn,” Fifty Shades of Grey by literary virgin, E. L. James. (Learn all about it here)

When not dissecting the finest moments in American cinema history and ruminating on why Wes Anderson movies are whiter than Girls (think about it), BEE has taken to Twitter over the last few days to canvas casting options for his ideal adaptation of the erotic novel’s protagonists. Although the tweets have since been removed, BEE has his eyes on a few prominent Hollywood red carpet darlings to play protagonist and narrator Anastasia Steele, including (“in an ideal world”):

Girls’ Lena Dunham

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Dimitrious Kambouris via Getty)

Her co-star Allison Williams

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Dimitrious Kambouris via Getty)

Box Office bombshell Scarlett Johannson

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Dimitrious Kambouris via Getty)

Or (Please, God, no) Kristen Stewart.

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Jason Merritt via Getty)

For Ana’s love interest, Christian Grey – who is literally described as “so freaking hot” – BEE has his eyes on the following, who (in keeping with the literal style of E.L. James) all appear below in grey below (Gosling excluded):

Scandinavian strongman Eric Northman Alexander Skarsgard who BEE assures us he sees naked at the gym “all the time” and that he would make for “perfect casting.”

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Frazer Harrison via Getty)

Aspiring Chippendale Alex Pettyfer

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Gabriel Bouys via Getty)

(What’s the opposite of a cradle-snatcher? – That Guy) Aaron Johnson

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Anne Christine via Getty)

Actor turned teen meme dream Ryan Gosling.

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Frazer Harrison via Getty)

Tom Hardy’s fraternal twin and Prometheus actor, Logan Marhshall-Green

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Ian Gavan via Getty)

And Ian Somerhalder, who I think plays a vampire or an investigator or a cop on a TV show. Which from that description could literally be any show on TV right now.

Bret Easton Ellis Wants To Cast and Adapt ’50 Shades Of Grey’

(Photo by Michael Loccisano via Getty)

BEE has also announced that his Kickstarter funded film project, the LA micro-budget noir film The Canyons, which he wrote specifically for adult film actor James Deen has begun production on July 9th with the news that Lindsay Lohan is now officially on-board. The Canyons will “document five twenty-something’s quest for power, love, sex and success in 2012 Hollywood.”

I still stand by my previous assertion that Sacha Grey should put her hand up (there) for the role of Anastasia, method acting experience and all. Plus, there’s an E.L. James-style throwback to the title, which you know she already loves (see: Christian Grey // Fifty Shades of Grey). So meta. I think she’d be down with that like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.*

Via Buzzfeed and @breteastonellis

*Actual E.L. James quote