The Best Way To Break Up With Someone Based On Their Star Sign, If V-Day Is Staring You Down

Breakups are fucking hard and there are no rule books out there to help you with the difficult task of calling it quits. Jokes, there are probably thousands of books literally dedicated to breakups, but who the hell has ever consulted a book before ending it with someone other than, like, a sappy character from a nineties rom-com?

As for me, an intellectual, I like to approach everything using a much more reliable source: astrology. Here, I dissect the nuances of each Zodiac sign to help you breakup with someone based on the way they tick, as told by the stars.

ARIES

This straight-shooting fire sign has no time for games, no time for bullshit, and most certainly no time for being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t wanna be there. So instead of leading them on, end it now. Literally right now. Put your phone down and go break up with them in an honest, clean and concise way. No pussy-footing around, no beating around the bush, just tell them why you should both move on. Go. You’ve already left it too late and wasted their time. Seriously, go now. NOW.

TAURUS

This Earth sign is known for its love of creature comforts and having someone to enjoy said creature comforts with. If it were up to them, they’d hibernate with their other half for the rest of eternity in their lil cocoon with every streaming service on demand, plus snacks galore. But they’re so wrapped up in this comfort that sometimes they don’t realise that they’re not all that happy with who they’re with, so the chances are if you’re not happy in the relationship, they may not be either, but they were too cozy to take that leap and call it quits. In terms of breakup advice, I’d recommend stocking their fridge with breakup food before bailing. And if the Netflix password is yours, do NOT change it out of spite. They will cut you.

GEMINI

Geminis are a tough one bc as you’ll know from dating a proud member of this dynamic air sign, you never quite know which side you’re gonna get. Settle in for a long chat, they may even convince you not to go ahead with it. Stick to your guns and proceed. Remind them that there’s someone better out there for them and that the relationship has become dull and mundane bc there’s nothing a Gemini hates more than being bored so the prospect of fun new things will appease them.

CANCER

When you break up with any water sign, you know you’re in for the water works, but Cancerians especially, so be sure to have plenty of tissues ready, along with a sweet, calming tone, and a damn good reason as to why it’s over ‘cos they thought this shit was forever. I’d recommend absolutely not doing it in public because the last thing they want is to be bawling their eyes out with people watching. Don’t be a dick, do it properly. You know they’re emotional beings, so ensure that they’re let down easy with the respect that they deserve.

LEO

The proud lion sign would always rather be the one doing the dumping than be the one being dumped, so this will be a hit to their almighty confidence. Do it in a way that soothes their ego and by no means puts you on a pedestal. Just warning you though, literally as soon as you’re done, prepare to be inundated with hot selfies and thirst traps galore on social media and while these are absolutely aimed at pissing you off and showing you what you’re missing, it’s also just them wanting to move the fuck on with their life. Before you know it, they’ll probably be with someone else bc you can’t keep a Leo down for long.

VIRGO

Virgos pride themselves on being structured and having their shit together, so being told that their relationship has failed will be a heavy blow. Which is why you’ll wanna go in there with facts and evidence to back up WHY you want to end the relationship. Bearing in mind that all of said facts should point to you being the problem in this and not your Virgo partner because this Earth sign is never wrong. NEVER wrong.

LIBRA

Librans pride themselves on being fun and flirty so the fact that you don’t want to bask in their Aphrodite-like rays of love will be a big shock to them. While water signs are the most emotional, Librans are also quite sweet and soft-hearted, so pls go easy on them. They’re too kind and pure for this world! They may try to charm you into staying with them, but just remind them that they’re too hot for you anyway and can absolutely do better.

SCORPIO

So what you’ve gotta do here is come up with an alias, burn your possessions, move to a far away land and never speak of this again. Jokes, but seriously, Scorpios are perhaps the toughest ones to break up with initially because they’re the kinds of people who don’t enter relationships lightly but when they do, they’re fucking DEVOTED to that person. Do it gently, in person, then let them know that you’ll give them all the space and support that they need. Tell ’em you’ve had a fabulous time and will treasure it always, even though your life will be a miserable existence without them (trust me, I’m Scorpio myself. Say exactly that!). A few months will go by and you’ll probably wind up being their fuck buddy because Scorpios always have entanglements with their exes.

SAGITTARIUS

Adventure-loving Sagittarians usually cope with breakups by getting the fuck out of town and travelling the world, but since the borders are shut due to COVID, they’ll be extra depressed after this one. Just remind them of how bloody brilliant they are and all the fun things they had in the pipeline before you guys met. This fire sign has also been known to torch relationships that go south, so if you want to remain mates with them, you better not be a total dick about it.

CAPRICORN

Caps are all about logic and reason so you’d better do it like a grown up and not an 18-year-old fuckboi. We want a nice, clean breakup, pls. Nothing messy. Everything Capricorns do has to be successful – they have to be the best of the best at everything. So being told that their relationship was failure won’t sit well with them. I know the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing is such a cliché, but it’s absolutely necessary here. Tell them that you’re at fault, you’re the fuck up, and they did everything right.

AQUARIUS

The quirky Aquarian seldom settles down, but when they do, they think it’s gonna last forever, until the wind shifts and they realise that they’re better off solo for a while. How does this help you? Well, bc it means that they’re likely to be onboard with the idea of breaking up. The only thing is that Aquarians rarely remain friends with their exes so you’ll probably never see them again. A few months will pass and you’ll wonder if they ever existed to begin with or if they were just a figment of your imagination. That’s the Aquarius effect.

PISCES

Ah, we’ve saved the best for last. There’s a reason why Pisces is at the end of the Zodiac train, because they take the longest to get over a breakup. This dreamy, lovey water sign falls head over heels at record speed and because of that, they take even longer to get over a person. They have a tendency to romanticise things (people, relationships, memories etc), so just remind them that while things were fabulous – do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to fuck with their memories that they hold onto like trophies – there’s a bigger, better, brighter world out there for both of you.

More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV